SERVING STRONG

People Pleasing: A Rebuttal

Yesterday I outlined 5 Steps To Becoming A World Class People Pleaser. CLICK HERE to review the post.

As you may have noticed, the entire post was written with tongue firmly planted in cheek. The truth is, pleasing people is dangerous. It hurts the person trying to please others because pleasing everyone all the time is simply impossible. And if you stand for anything, you WILL make some people unhappy with you. That's life. People who serve strong in ministry know how to give of themselves without burning out in the process.

Here, then, are a few helpful websites I've found online which address the issue of people pleasing. If you felt yourself get a bit anxious after reading yesterday's post, these may be of benefit to you:

The People Pleaser Pattern

People Pleasing Personality

How To Stop Being A People Pleaser

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QUESTION FOR DISCUSSION: When is people pleasing actually a form of compassion to which Christ calls us?

5 Steps World Class People Pleasing

THIS JUST IN...

...forget everything you've been taught in college or seminary. The Gospel is not as important as you've been led to believe. Ministry leadership is all about people. And people need to be pleased, first and foremost. The Gospel can wait. First please, then lead.

So here is your 5-Step Guide To Becoming A World Class People Pleaser (you can thank me later):

1) First, look at yourself in the mirror every morning and repeat these words: "I must be liked by everyone all the time. I must be liked by everyone all the time. I must be liked by everyone all the time..." Continue this mantra while brushing your teeth, showering, and getting dressed. This is the key to your pleasing success. You are what you think. (NOTE: For world class pleasing, studies have shown it takes an average of 142.75 times of repeating said phrase every morning. Some "pleasers" exceed 250!)

2) Second, throw out all your self-help books (including Bible studies and the like). You won't be needing them. They are a distraction from your number one goal: others. The more you focus on yourself, the less time you have to give others your attention. No one loves a self-absorbed person anyway, right? Personal growth is selfish. Some might argue it downright hedonistic. So STOP growing yourself and start growing others.

3) Third, stop standing for anything. Convictions are the bane of the top "pleasers" in the world. When you believe strongly in something you run the risk of turning a percentage the people off. They will become incensed and possibly talk about you when you're not around. You don't want THAT, do you? Of course not. You're a "pleaser"!

4) Fourth, learn the art of face gazing. The best "pleasers" know when to spot an oncoming frown long before it materializes and they take necessary steps to prevent it. Some use the back peddling technique. Others end their sentence with "...at least that's what I've heard." Whatever you use, remember, smiles = acceptance. You must always see a smile. Smiles are your favorite.

5) Fifth, just before your head hits the pillow at night, evaluate your day. On the credit side of the ledger, list all the people who were happy because of you (THEY are your bread and butter). On the debit side, list those who did not show acceptance. THOSE are the people you must be anxious about. THEY are your "to do" list. (NOTE: A bad dream is evidence you are on the right track).

RELATED POSTS:

You Are Not Your Own

My Favorite Zoloft Moments

How To Respond To Every Email Message Immediately

image credit (have to do this or they'll get mad)

look at E go

Long, long ago in a land far away lived the little letter e. e grew up in the land of Alphabetville until he reached the ripe age of E. That's when our story begins...

E woke up one morning and went to work. He worked like all the other letters. In the word factory. All day, from 9am till 5pm the letters of Alphabetville labored to make words. Short words. Long words. Strange words. Simple words. This was their life. It's what they talked about in the evenings at home or in the pub.

This one particular day, E stopped what he was doing and looked around. "I declare," he declared, "I am in most of the words around here." This epiphony hit him so hard that he started to feel quite proud of himself (despite there was no "E" in proud). He began talking about how prominent he was in most words. He bragged to J. He bragged to M. He bragged to Z. He bragged to all 25 letters but mostly, he bragged to his neighbors, D and F, about how important he was.

This went on for weeks. D and F had had enough. One night, they agreed to meet at the pub after work but didn't tell E. They devised a plan to inform the rest of Alphabetville to stop making words in the word factory until E got the message.

The entire population of Alphabetville (from A to Z) agreed. The entire population, that is, except E. For E didn't know anything about the plan.

So, that next morning E went to the word factory like any other day. But this day he was all alone. "Hmph," he thought, "I don't need the rest of the letters. I'm in most of the words anyway. I'll just work like nothing is different. Then I'll get all the credit. They'll see!"

He proceeded to make a word:

"_ _ E"

He knew it meant "one" but it didn't look right. "No bother. I'll just make another word." he thought to himself. So he crafted the word:

"E _ E _ _ _ _ E"

He thought, "Hmmm, that doesn't look like the word 'everyone'. I'm in it 3 times but it still doesn't work."

This went on all day. E was exhausted. The 5 o'clock whistle blew. Time to quit. Worn out by all the futile wordsmithing, E went to the pub to get a drink. Half way through his root beer, it dawned on him.......... *

 

*author's NotE: This simplE story nEEds a conclusion. Can you hElp? UsE a comment bElow to writE your vErsion of how it should End. I challEngE your crEativity. (oh by thE way, this is part of BridgEt ChumblEy's blog carnival on thE onE word, "Ego")

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Killer Conclusions

Interpersonal Conflict.  It kills your energy. You need energy. As a ministry leader, you don't need interpersonal conflict.

What causes interpersonal conflict? Among other things, jumping to conclusions is a big culprit. What is the solution? Stop jumping to killer conclusions.

The following video is a collection of a few common items. For approximately 30 seconds, I stay focused up close on the item, then pull back to reveal the context. It helps to visualize the fact that when we have a "run in" with another person, it's best to wait long enough until we understand their context before we rush headlong into conflict.

Before you jump to conclusions from Scott Couchenour on Vimeo.

Do you tend to jump to conclusions? How do you keep from doing that in your walk?

Compaction Or Compassion?

"Sure, I can help you with that." I hung up the phone. Then thought, "How am I going to help them? I've already got too much on my plate."

Ever do that before? I bet you have. It's hard to say "no". We don't want to disappoint. We don't want to miss anything. Truth is, we don't see the cost associated with a "yes". Time is finite. A day will always be 24 hours. The energy we can expend in a given block of waking hours is fixed. So, when we say "yes" to one commitment, we are saying "no" to another. All that is background for the point of this post:

Compaction Lessens Compassion. Busy-ness is the bane of compassion. I push compassion to the side when I have too much to do. In fact, people are actually a nuisance when I'm too busy. The very folks I must have compassion on are getting in my way. Can you believe that? But that's not their fault. It's mine. Jesus was full of compassion. As I follow Jesus what kind of example do I display when I'm too busy for compassion?

Frank Viola and Leonard Sweet recently published a book called, Jesus Manifesto. The following is an excerpt:

[God is saying to us]: "When people saw [Jesus] in action, they were seeing Me in action. Now He dwells in you, and when people see you, they are seeing Him. And the more space you make for Him in your life, the more clearly the world will see Him. So give Him room. Let Him gain all of you so He can be seen again, to My glory and pleasure."

So the next time I am faced with a decision to take on something new, I'm going to STOP! Ask myself, "God, is this opportunity from You, or will it compact me so tightly that I have no margin for compassion?"  

How about you? How tightly are you living these days?

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RELATED POSTS:

Take A Number

Like Milk To An Oreo

Signs Of Imbalance

 

This post is part of a Blog Carnival on the one word - Compassion. It is being hosted by Bridget Chumbley.

Bumbles, Boobs, and Baubles

Our capacity to serve strong is diminished in 3 ways (rate yourself as you read):

Bumbles. We all mess up now and again. We make mistakes. Everyone does. I make mistekas all the time =).  If you're like me, when you make a mistake you receive forgiveness from others but don't forgive yourself. It's one thing to fall down and get back up. It's another thing to fall down and stay down, trying to serve while dragging yourself along the floor.  Next time I make a mistake I'm gonna admit it, ask for forgiveness, forgive myself and move on. How about you?

Boobs. We all know difficult people. Not the person who has an honest disagreement with an opinion we hold (these people make us stronger if we take the time to listen to them). I'm talking about the irrational person. You know, the person who disagrees with you just for the sake of disagreement. The person who exercises transference of all their problems onto you, making you the lightning rod of their pain. We cannot let these people get to us. Lovingly extend grace. Lovingly extend mercy. Hold out hope of their personal growth in Christ. But don't let them tell you who you are in Christ. (And don't embody their problems as your own. I posted an article on this called, "Bridge People.")

Baubles. They are known as trinkets, toys, and "treasures". They are the stuff we buy for ourselves, thinking they will be the answer to our need for fulfillment. But we underestimate the cost when we buy something. Say you just bought the new iPad. Cool. Now, what will that cost you in terms of maintenance? What will it do to distract you from your focus? How much time will it take to drive it to the nearest Apple store for repair? I'm not against technology, that's not my point. But the next time you are faced with a buying decision, think about the real cost of the purchase. It extends beyond the price tag.

How are YOU doing on the Bumble-Boob-Bauble scale?

Good |_____________________________| Bad

 

RELATED POSTS:

The Power of 10

Overcoming Distraction

The Path of Forgiveness

You Are Here

The Power Of 10

This is a guest post I wrote for a good blogging friend, Kevin Martineau, on his blog Shooting The Breeze. Check out his blog for some GREAT insights and information. Photo credit

 

Someone is reading you the riot act. They are holding nothing back. They are giving it to you with both barrels. They are really throwing you under the bus. They care not what it is doing to you or your self confidence. They are offending you. They are spewing slander at your very character.

The power of 10..... seconds: Stop. Count to 10 and think before anything comes out of your mouth

You are hungry. At least you think you are. It’s almost bedtime. The pint of ice cream in the freezer is calling from the frozen tundra to you. But you know what the doctor said. You must cut out sweets if you're going to avoid getting sick.

The power of 10..... minutes: Stop. Wait for 10 minutes and reconsider before anything goes in your mouth

You are about to make a major purchase. You don't know if you should go in debt over it. You wrestle with the use of the money: should I save it for ministry or should I go ahead and spend it? Will God be pleased with me if I buy it?

The power of 10..... hours: Stop.  Walk away and pray about it for 10 hours before you make a decision

If you are someone with a driving personality, this post may just be for you. It’s important to understand the price of impulsiveness in areas like our relationships, diet, major decisions.

NOTE: I'm not saying there aren't times when we must make quick decisions as leaders. We are, after all, called by God to be stewards of opportunity, but...

There are a lot of times when a quick word said in haste is often regretted; when a quick yield to temptation is often regretted; when a quick purchase is often regretted. And this kind of impulsiveness is the stuff of burnout.

What are other times when impulsiveness is inappropriate?

You Are Here

It’s true. It’s always true. You will perpetually be here.

Not there.

Not anywhere else… but here.

 

We each own a “here”. We got it the moment we were conceived. We carry it everywhere we go. When we go there, we take our “here” and when we are there, we’re here. Truth is, we ARE here. It defines us. It’s all we ever have… here. 

 

Get it?

 

Some people don’t treat their “here” very well. They shun their “here”. They ignore their “here” and think of things like

…Future worries

…Past mistakes

…Trinkets, trials and troubles

 

But our “here” needs attention. We must feed it to be successful and fulfilled.  As life coaches, we know it as being “present in the moment”.  A couple examples:

…On the carpet putting legos together with your 8 year old son

…Gazing into your spouse’s eyes across the dinner table

…Lost in the wonder of a phrase that jumped out from scripture

 

Start paying attention to your “here” and you notice something wonderful happens. Life will come alive. Life will deepen. Life will make more sense. Life will fulfill. All because you will find God in your “here”.

 

How do you treat your “here”?

 

End Note: Thanks to http://www.chrisbrogan.com for inspiration on this post.

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Ten Questions Of Strength

[the following is an update of a Feb 28, 2010 post]

So you lead others, huh? How's that working out for you? Are you sure about how your leadership is going? When we are weak, our leadership is weak. When we are strong our leadership is strong.

Here are 10 questions you can ask yourself to do a quick check (the more "yes" answers, the better):

1. Am I free from any unresolved conflict with others?
2. Do I take care of my physical well-being (remembering doctor's recommendations)?
3. Am I eating a well balanced, healthy diet including fruits and vegetables?
4. Do I spend a good amount of time each week sitting quietly, listening to the heartbeat of God for my life?
5. Do I stop at least once per week and review my priorities and goals; celebrate wins; and strategize next steps?
6. Am I working at quality connections with my spouse and children?
7. Am I actively pursuing meaningful relationships with friends and family members?
8. Do I have a plan to get, any remain, out of debt?
9. Do I know what my passion, personality, and proficiencies are (any am I engaged most of my waking hours honoring these?
10. Would God be pleased with the internet history file on my computer?

My prayer is for strong leadership on your behalf. Don't neglect who you are as you serve others.

What other questions have you used to ensure your inner strength?

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You're An Idiot

"You're an idiot!"

Imagine hearing that from someone you know. What is your reaction? What do you automatically think? After your initial human reaction, the long term  impact on you depends a lot on how you see yourself.

Someone once said, "I died to Christ and you can't hurt a dead person." I'm not sure I totally agree with that, but I think I understand the underlying principle of the statement. If I hide myself in Christ and surrender my need for approval, at the very least I can put a disparaging "idiot" comment into perspective. If it hurts me, I can bring that hurt to Christ and wrestle through it with Him. In this way, I have deepened my walk with Christ (the "idiot" comment helps me grow my spiritual dimension.) Who knows, maybe Christ wants you to see how you HAVE been an idiot and He gives you the strength to admit a shortcoming with genuine humility - and grow!

How do you see yourself? Are you hidden in Christ? Are you able to put "idiot"-type comments in perspective?

What do YOU think?

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Empty The Recycle Bin

My daughter called the other day. Said her laptop indicated the hard disk was getting critically full. So she emptied her recycle bin and it freed up over 2 gigs of memory.

How's your capacity to serve others? Are you trying to serve with a full recycle bin? You know, someone comes to you for help and you just can't seem to muster the strength to deal with their situation? Do you feel like you are up to your eyeballs in people's issues - not to mention the fact that you have your own marriage to maintain, kids to parent, a checkbook to update, a lawn to mow....?

We all get overwhelmed. But I believe we add more on ourselves than is necessary. At least I know I do.

What's in your bin?

What kind of stuff do we carry around that could be deleted? Perhaps someone cut us off on the road yesterday and we are still mad at the nameless, faceless person. Or maybe you were overlooked for a promotion 2 years ago - still in the recycle bin? Perhaps you are still wrestling with a sin you committed in your teens. You know you've been gloriously forgiven by God Himself, but you are still beating yourself up over it.

YOUR INPUT & COMMENTS ARE WELCOME: Answer this -- "What else do we tend to stuff into our recycle bin?"

Simple phrase / difficult task (sometimes): LET IT GO. Your impact on others depends on it. Examine your recycle bin. How full is it? Let it go. Empty your recycle bin and you'll be Serving Strong!

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Iron Or Toilet Paper

I was in a good meeting today. When I say good, I don't mean everyone saw things the same way I did. It was better than that. They disagreed. Let me explain...

When I share a thought with someone and they agree, good. It's been called, "preaching to the choir". We agree.

But could we have gone deeper? You see, when we come together in community to discuss a topic, we each bring a perspective of our own. We are individuals coming together to form a bigger perspective collectively.

God tells us in Proverbs 27.17 "Iron sharpens iron." I picture an iron sword clashing against another iron sword and in the process both swords become sharper than they were before the clash. This is TOTALLY different than if the Proverb were to read, "toilet paper sharpens toilet paper." Can you imagine? One section of toilet paper "clashing" against another? Any thought of sharpening is utterly ridiculous.

So in our ministry leadership, don't fear push-back in meetings. Embrace it. See it as a broader perspective. One of 2 things will happen: either you can gain greater clarity on your beliefs and values, or you can change your perspective. One way or the other, you can get closer to the truth; deeper in your personal development.

And truth and development are part of Serving Strong!

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Holiday Conflict Prep

"The holidays are coming! The holidays are coming!"

Holidays = Stress.

Stress = Interpersonal Conflict.

Interpersonal Conflict = decreased ministry effectiveness.

So, brush up on your conflict management skills.

Click this link to the Serving Strong Conflict Archives

Go into the holidays prepared to handle conflict and you'll be Serving Strong!

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I Was Wrong

"I was wrong."

THAT is not a common phrase heard among people in conversation these days. It's rare. It's best to save yourself from having to say it in the first place. But how? Here's a real life illustration from my life just today:

I was driving back to my office and wanted to call in to let the receptionist know I was running a bit late for a meeting coming up at the office. After several rings, my call went to the voicemail system. "Hmmm", I thought, "we normally have someone always at the phone for that personal touch." I dialed again. Voicemail. I dialed again. Voicemail.

Now at this stage, I could have engaged in what I call "escalating degenerative thoughts": Have we gotten loose in answering the phone? Is the receptionist not doing her job? What do we pay her for? WHY ISN'T SHE ANSWERING THE PHONE?!  HOW DARE SHE!!!!!

Fortunately, I didn't go that route (not that I have it all together, mind you). Instead, I reasoned... perhaps all the lines are busy and it's a momentary thing. Perhaps there is a visitor taking up her attention. Perhaps the phone system is out of order.

A few hours later that I received a call from a number I didn't recognize - except that it was one digit off the office number. THEN it occurred to me: I had been dialing the wrong number! It was MY problem! The receptionist was doing her job all along!

It's a good thing I didn't say or do something for which I would have had to say, "I was wrong."

Interpersonal conflict is a category of the Serving Strong Blog because conflict saps the people helper from the energy they could devote to their calling. Learn the art of never having to say "I was wrong" (or if necessary, be sure to say "I was wrong") and you'll be Serving Strong!

P.S. Read this related post entitled, "Learn How To Park A**hole!"

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Whack Some Moles

Remember that game at the Chuck E Cheese-type place called the "Whack A Mole"? The trick is to knock the moles back down into the hole as soon as you see them pop up. The more moles knocked down, the higher your points.

It's a great metaphor for conflict management. Interpersonal conflicts rarely explode instantly. They are a result of bottled emotions from small, unresolved issues that pile up until BAM! - conflict.

A healthy way to manage conflict is not waiting until a conflict needs to be managed. Instead interpersonal success happens by running to the problem once you sense a red flag and dealing with it right then. That way, the conflict never has an opportunity to grow to an unmanageable size. Here are a couple of examples of whacking a mole:

• "Hey Sue, you know yesterday when you said, ___? Well, it sounded like you were upset with me. Is there anything we need to talk about?"
• "John, I'm a little offended by what you just said. You're a good man and I value our friendship. Can I ask you to tell me more? Perhaps I misunderstood you."

As people helpers, conflict drains our energy and strips us of mind space we can devote to our service to others. Whack some moles every day and you'll be Serving Strong!

DISCLAIMER: This post is not suggesting you whack the other person (that would only intensify the conflict!). Rather, whack the problem :)

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Relating Well - To Others, To God

This morning I read an eNewsletter produced from one of my clients. It had a real impact on me regarding how I relate to others as well as to God. I gained his permission to share it with you. Here it is in its original form:

Yesterday as I was cycling along the canal path deep in thought, I suddenly heard a slap-splashing sound off to my left. I turned and caught sight of one of those really fascinating sights one is afforded occasionally in nature. A column of fish was erupting out of the otherwise glassy surface of the canal. They were small fish, maybe 6 inches long and about half that wide. For the second or two that I could see them before going past, there was a steady and very defined- about two feet in diameter - column of these fish leaping straight up and falling back into the water. It was one of those situations where you would love to hear someone say: "...and now for the rest of the story!" I would guess that there was something threatening the fish from below, and they were simply trying to escape by the shortest route possible. Sadly for them, they still ended up exactly back where they started from since none of them were flying fish!
 
As I cycled on along the path my thoughts stayed on the scenario I had just witnessed. It reminded me of a session we do on loving listening in our Sharpening Your Interpersonal Skills workshops. In this session we talk about watching for "bubbles" from those we seek to minister to by listening well. These "bubbles" indicate that there is something hidden deeper within the person that could be very helpful to talk through. When we show loving interest and carefully draw them out, we can live out what is taught in the Bible about ministering to one another. This is a skill that all of us as followers of Christ should seek to sharpen and use on a consistent basis since almost everyone we know needs someone to talk to occasionally.
 
Another thought came to mind. Those poor fish were not escaping by jumping straight up out of the water. In fact they were ending up exactly where they started, having expended a great deal of energy and having accomplished nothing. In our lives, we too can make a poor choice and react in exactly the wrong way when we are faced with a problem or threat - or even an opportunity. How often do we burn up a lot of energy - emotional, physical, mental or even spiritual energy - doing something that accomplishes absolutely nothing. In some cases we are simply following those around us. "Hey everyone else is jumping, must be the thing to do!" And in some cases, we actually can end up in worse problems. (What if there had been sea-gulls around?)
 
I am reminded over and over how easy it is for us to think that the Christian life is  all about expending energy for God and hoping that we are doing the right thing and that we will get some kind of results.  Is that what our Lord Jesus Christ taught us while He was here on earth? I don't think so. But we have to do something don't we? And it is sometimes impossible to tell what is the best thing to do... so as long as we are doing our best, God will bless our efforts right? Again, I wonder if we have missed the center of the mark if this is what we think and live out.  Jesus' discourse on the night He was betrayed would seem to be one passage of scripture among many which indicates that rather than jumping around like fish in a canal, we are to remain connected to Christ, empowered and guided by His Holy Spirit and in close communion and fellowship with our fellow believers. Then there will be fruit produced that will last. Not because of what we are doing, but because of what He is doing through us.
 
Putting it another way, our Christian life is more about properly responding to the Spirit's work in our lives than it is about reacting to the opportunities and threats that surround us. It is more about relationship with Him than it is about responsibility to Him. We may not be able to address all the opportunities that surround us, and we may not be able to avoid all the threats that lurk waiting to harm us, but with the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father has sent in Jesus' name, we can know what we need to know and be who we need to be. And He will help us remember the words Jesus left us with "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful."

Our ability to relate to others and to God has a direct impact on our ability to Serve Strong!

This was written by Vic Flaming. The Flamings serve with the International Training Partners (a global network of facilitators, and trainers from more than eighty organizations. They serve together in an informal partnership to provide practical, interactive, biblical training in interpersonal relationships for Christian workers.) The Flamings are currently serving in Singapore.

Life Fitness

Recumbant bikes, treadmills, stair-steppers. These are all the tools of the physical fitness world. People join YMCAs and other fitness companies all across the world to stay fit.

But have you ever considered fitness in other areas of your life? Consider the following areas and ask youself how fit you are? What tools do you need to stay fit in each area? What is your "exercise routine" for each area?

Spiritual Fitness

Marital Fitness

Parental Fitness

Financial Fitness

Interpersonal Fitness

Mental Fitness

Vocational Fitness

Work on the fitness in all of your life's areas and you''ll be Serving Strong!

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Ways We Deal With Conflict

Serving strong in the people helping professions involves the management of conflict. When conflict takes control or gets out of control, it saps us of energy that can be used for serving others.

The Free Management Library shares Basics of Conflict Management. Here is an excerpt from their valuable insights:

"There is no one best way to deal with conflict. It depends on the current situation. Here are the major ways that people use to deal with conflict.

1. Avoid it. Pretend it is not there or ignore it.
a. Use it when it simply is not worth the effort to argue. Usually this approach tends
to worsen the conflict over time.

2. Accommodate it. Give in to others, sometimes to the extent that you compromise yourself.
a. Use this approach very sparingly and infrequently, for example, in situations
when you know that you will have another more useful approach in the very
near future. Usually this approach tends to worsen the conflict over time, and
causes conflicts within yourself.

3. Competing. Work to get your way, rather than clarifying and addressing the issue. Competitors love accommodators.
a. Use when you have a very strong conviction about your position.

4. Compromising. Mutual give-and-take.
a. Use when the goal is to get past the issue and move on.

5. Collaborating. Focus on working together.
a. Use when the goal is to meet as many current needs as possible by using mutual
resources. This approach sometimes raises new mutual needs.
b. Use when the goal is to cultivate ownership and commitment."

Click here for the entire library page.

Manage the conflict that comes your way and you'll be Serving Strong!

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Go 2 Them Personally

Three things about most interpersonal conflict:

1. It can be managed. 
2. It starts quite simply between two people.
3. It involves a misunderstanding.

If this is true there is one thing that stands head & shoulders above any other conflict management technique: Go to the person one on one and work it out together.

Instead of sitting in your office stewing over what they said, GO TO THEM PERSONALLY

Instead of rehearsing a long line of thoughts that they might be out to get you, GO TO THEM PERSONALLY

Instead of talking about it to someone else, GO TO THEM PERSONALLY

Instead of letting it stress out your whole day, GO TO THEM PERSONALLY

Going to the person with the misunderstanding in most cases is the quickest way to resolve the matter and get back to living. Learn to go to the other person as a new personal habit and you'll be Serving Strong!

Manage Conflict In Six Seconds

Joshua Freedman has done some amazing work along the lines of six second consulting.  You can visit his website at http://www.6seconds.org.

You may be a people helper who is being drained by conflict in interpersonal relationships.  This conflict drainage is keeping you from being all you were meant to be to the people you are called to serve.

Here are some ideas for when you are faced with a difficult situation, email message or person.  The idea behind the list of suggestions is to give you time to respond more appropriately so the conflict is managed quicker and more effectively.  The suggestions are adapted from Freedman's work:

• Count to six in a foreign language you are learning
• Remember six of the Seven Dwarfs in alphabetical order
• Think of six foreign capitals
• Visualize six details of a beautiful place
• Define six latin verbs
• Feel six breaths of air filling your lungs and imagine what it looks like
• Name six emotions you are feeling
• Find six beautiful qualities of the person with whom you are talking/fighting

Take these suggestions and create a buffer zone.  It will help you to reduce the amount of reactive, knee-jerk responses which have proven to add fuel to the fire.  Being able to manage conflict is part of Serving Strong!

Learn How To Park A**hole

I returned from a business trip yesterday.  Got to my car. Put my luggage in the back seat. Hopped in the driver's seat.  Noticed a piece of paper stuck under the windshield wiper.  Got out.  Retrieved the paper.  Here's what it said:

Learn How To Park A**hole!

I thought back to 3 days prior when I parked my car.  It had been snowing so snow covered the ground.  I remember not being able to see those yellow parking lines that normally guide us into "parking bliss."  By the time I returned, the snow had melted, revealing I had done the unthinkable.  Both my leftside tires were directly on the yellow line.  Apparently I had violated airport parking etiquette.

Interesting thing about conflict.  Conflict involves misunderstanding.  Had that person known I had no clue where the lines were, I'm sure they would not have left me their "love" note (or at least used less colorful language.)    And let's be honest.  The person's anger was most likely not coming from an inability to park beside me.  It was coming from something else.  Are they battling cancer?  Were they going to visit their grandkids to tell them they were dying?  Did they have chronic back pain?  Were they being laid off work?   By the way, this means I need to caution against misunderstanding what THEY have been going through too! 

Another interesting thing about conflict.  Being mean saps energy.  Meanness lowers the energy level of both the mean-giver and the mean-receiver.  When I first read the note, I felt bad.  I felt drained a little.  I quickly had a laugh about it.  But my was less than before I saw the note.  Likewise, I'm sure that although the person may have felt a self-satisfying feeling of superiority, their highness was short-lived.  Their energy was ultimately sapped as well.

MORAL?

Here are three morals to this little episode.  Choose the best one:

1) Never park in a parking lot after a snow

2) Park as far away from the doors as possible

3) Don't be mean.  Be kind.  Be understanding.

How we approach a conflict makes all the difference if we're going to Serve Strong!

photo credit: ME!  (picture of the actual note)

BTW: If you want to commit to being kind and understanding all year long, join the 365 Club on Facebook!  CLICK TO JOIN

With All Due Respect

So you're in a conflict with someone.  Great.  Welcome to the human race.  "Where 2 or 3 are gathered, there will be conflict..."  So how do you best approach it?  Respect.  Here's how:

FIRST -- Think of all they bring to the human existence.  Depending on the individual, this may be a very difficult first step.  But stay in the moment... what do they REALLY offer?  What are they good at?  What skills do they possess?  What interests do they have that make the world a better place? 

SECOND -- Now, separate the ISSUE from the PERSON.

THIRD -- Then approach the CONFLICT as a common enemy while at the same time approaching the PERSON with all due respect.  Respect them for who they are and what they can do.

Conflict tends to tear us apart from one another.  But when we can honor who the person is, while simultaneously tearing into the issue together, we are more likely to reach a management of that conflict.

BYOM (Bring Your Own Mirror)

My friend, James Higginbotham, produces a blog that I follow called Agile Ministry.  It's all about Church ministry and non-profit leadership, management, and volunteer recruiting.  CLICK HERE for more info on his work.

His post today has to do with being your own customer to see whether your product, service, blog, church ministry, or home is truly what you want it to look like.  One suggestion is to subscribe to your own feed to see what others are seeing.

This is great advise.  I would take it a step further and suggest we each learn to carry a virtual mirror with us wherever we go - especially into a confrontation situation.  If you have to manage conflict (and we all will at one point or another) it helps to know how you're coming across.  What is your body language saying?  What is your tone of voice really telling the other person?  Try to view the situation from the other person's viewpoint.  This will honor them and help move the relationship further along through the conflict.

Learn to listen to/view yourself like others hear/see you and you'll be Serving Strong!

Conflict Management Post Roundup

The following are the past few Serving Strong posts on the topic of interpersonal conflict and the people helper:

• Save Yourself Some Grief... Listen Better
• Three Steps To Managing Conflict
• Fight Fair... Go Deeper
• P.A.U.S.E.

Manage the conflict you will encounter and you'll be Serving Strong!

Save Yourself Some Grief...Listen Better

You're in the compassion field.  You care for others.  Perhaps you are a mom to a special needs child.  Or you may be a senior pastor.  You may be a volunteer for the Red Cross.  Whatever your role in compassion, here's one thing that will help you serve strong:

LISTEN

Experts say conversational speech runs at a rate of 125 words per minute.  However, our ability to comprehend what is being said runs at 400-500 words per minute.  What does this mean?  It means you have the ability to listen at a rate 3 to 4 times faster than the words you are hearing from the other person.

The problem?   We get bored.  We start filling the empty space with thoughts that distract us from really hearing what the other person is saying.  We miss cues.  We don't recognize opportunities.

The solution?  Develop your skill in ACTIVE LISTENING.  Active listening contains many sub-skills.  Some of them include:

• Recapping what was said
• Using good listening body language (leaning forward, looking at the person's eyes or face)
• Visualizing, in picture form, what the other person is saying
• Occasionally nodding your head or verbally prompting along with "I see" or "Mmmm"
• Keying in on the other person's body language (for example, they may be in agreement with you, but their arms are crossed.  What's that about?)

Learn more about active listening skills.

Active listening is rare.  Most people don't use it.  Then they wonder why they are engaged in so much conflict and misunderstanding.  Active listening cuts down the chances for all this grief.  Think of it as an investment that will pay huge dividends in time.

Learn to actively listen and you'll be Serving Strong!

note:  pic from http://www.audigygroup.com/info/mechanics.html

3 Steps To Managing Conflict

Whenever 2 or 3 are gathered, there will be conflict.  It's inevitable.  Sometime, somewhere you are going to run into conflict.  It's part of life.

It's NOT a matter of conflict RESOLUTION.  That assumes once the conflict is dealt with, it will never return.  It IS a matter of conflict MANAGEMENT.  Managing the conflict is a more appropriate way to view the ongoing nature of interpersonal interaction.

Here are 3 steps you can incorporate into your own personal management of conflict:

1. Understand You.  Understand what it is that makes you tick.  What angers you?  What is your worldview?  What are the triggers to your anger?  When are you most vulnerable to contributing to negative handling of conflict?
2. Understand Them.  Understand what it is that makes them tick.  What angers them?  What is their worldview?  What are the triggers to their anger?  When are they most vulnerable to contributing to negative handling of conflict?
3. Adjust Accordingly.  When you understand more fully who you are and who the other person is, you can make adjustments to your style of personality.  For example, if you are a hard driving personality and you work with an easy-going "people person" you run the risk of conflict because they don't seem to care about results.  To properly manage this potential conflict, it's helpful to adopt a more easy-going approach to match who they are.  This doesn't mean you have to cease being yourself or stop caring about results.  But it helps manage conflict if you can genuinely honor who the other person is and how they view the world.  At the very least, it's a step in the right direction to managing conflict.  Ideally, if they are trying to honor how YOU see the world as well, the interaction can be very productive.

Understanding yourself and others can be done by incorporating various personality profiles.  DiSC and Leading From Your Strengths are common tests to help in this regard.  If you are interested in more information regarding this, contact me.

Managing conflict is a very real part of Serving Strong!

Fight Fair...Go Deeper

"Once you know how to fight fair, conflict is often the price we pay for a deeper level of intimacy."

This is a quote by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott from their work, I Love You More.  On their website, www.real relationships.com, they cover a number of questions and issues regarding conflict in marriage.  Some of them include:

• "My wife and I desperately need marriage counseling.  My wife refuses to go and I feel we will end up in a divorce if we do not get counseling, but maybe that is what she wants.  Any advice?"
• "I have been married for about a year and find that I don't argue very well.  Do you have some tips on how to argue?"
• "My husband must be having a mid-life crisis.  He wants to skydive and scuba dive, etc.  He's wearing different clothes and wants a new car.  I don't want to do these things on the one hand but I might be left behind on the other.  What should I do?"

The Parrotts give sound advice on these and other issues.  Visit this site and see if your question is addressed.

Marital conflict, if not dealt with fairly, can be the thing that is keeping you from Serving Strong!

P.A.U.S.E.

Peacemaker Ministries offers a great concept called PAUSE that can help each of us as we interact successfully with other people.  Here's what it means:

• Prepare (pray, get the facts, seek godly counsel, develop options)
• Affirm relationships (show genuine concern and respect for others)
• Understand interests (identify others' concerns, desires, needs, limitations, or fears)
• Search for creative solutions (prayerful brainstorming)
• Evaluate options objectively and reasonably (evaluate, don't argue)

Check out the site for more information.

The better we are at managing conflict, the more capacity we have for Serving Strong!

"Or It Could Be..."

Much of conflict between two people stems from misunderstanding.  The next time you wonder why the other person did (or did not do) what they did, you have a couple choices:

A) You can jump to conclusions about their intentions without trying to clarify them; or

B) You can give them the benefit of the doubt before arriving at a negative conclusion

In Option B, you are in essence saying, "They seem to be angry.  It could be..."  In other words, you are trying to understand their actions by holding off judgment and allowing time to give you more input before ascribing guilt or condemnation.

Conflict with other people will diminish your capacity to serve strong.  This is because anything left unresolved stays resident in your mind - using up mind share that you can devote to focused service.

The next time you are faced with a potential conflict, try saying to yourself, "It could be..." and you'll be Serving Strong!

Peacemaking Principles

As noted in previous posts on conflict, our ability to successfully manage conflict increases our capacity for service to others.

Peacemaker Ministries provides some tremendous priniciples to apply to your conflict management skills. They include...

• Getting to the Heart of Conflict
• The Four G's
• The Slippery Slope
• The Seven A's of Confession
• The PAUSE Principle
• The Four Promises of Forgiveness
• The Peacemaker's Pledge
• Relational Commitments

Check out each one. Hone your ability to manage conflict and you'll be Serving Strong!

Fill The Gap With Trust... Reduce Stress

I previously posted a thought on trust in relationships.  Click here to read the entire post.

Andy Stanley, during a recent conference, listed some decisions and commitments we need to make in order to work together as a team. One of those commitments is

"When there is a gap between what I expect and what I experience, I will fill it with trust."

On a practical note, where can we apply this commitment in everyday life so we minimize the stress that conflict can have on us as people helpers?

• When I'm behind a car that has plenty of time to turn left in front of an oncoming truck yet refuses to go... I can have suspicion ("Why won't they go? Don't they know I'm in a hurry?! How incompetent!")... or I can have trust ("I wonder if they've been in an accident with a truck before. I'll take this time to pray for them.")

• When a co-worker doesn't return a sensitive/confidential email all day... I can have suspicion ("They're mad at me. I bet they're going behind my back to talk to others about the email message I sent them in confidence.")... or I can have trust ("They must be busy today. Even though they normally return emails promptly, there must be a dozen reasons why they couldn't this time.")

• When a friend walks right by me in Wal-Mart and doesn't say hello... I can have suspicion ("They are so into themselves. Didn't they even see me? Are they too good to say hello?")... or I can have trust ("They just didn't see me, I'm sure.")  ...NOTE: Why not say hello yourself in that situation anyway???

Here's the deal - the more we fill the gap (between expectation and experience) with suspicion, the more we hurt ourselves because of the increase in unnecessary stress. Fill the gap with trust (or, if necessary, talk it out with the other person) and ensure you are Serving Strong!

Trust: Take It To The Bank

Interpersonal conflict. Much of it comes from a lack of trust between people.

A friend of mine shared with me a concept that was presented by Andy Stanley at a recent conference he attended. The concept involves having expectations and experiences. When what we experience differs from what we expect, there is a gap. When we experience this gap, we have a choice. Depending on our choice, we contribute to either more conflict or healthy interaction. We can choose to fill the gap with trust or suspicion. It's up to us.

To minimize unhealthy, unnecessary conflict we have 2 fundamental decisions to make (and corresponding commitments):

Decision #1:  We must decide to trust.

1) "When there is a gap between what I expect and what I experience, I will fill it with trust."

2) "When I observe someone filling a gap with suspicion, I will come to your defense."

3) "If what I experience begins to erode my trust, I will come directly to you about it."

Decision #2: We must decide to be trustworthy.

1) "I commit to do what I say I will do and when I don't, I'll tell you."

2) "I commit to not over promise and under deliver. But if it looks like that's where things are headed, I'll tell you."

3) "If you confront me about the gaps I have created, I'll tell you the truth."

Conflict can be unhealthy. When it is, it saps our energy - energy that can be devoted to fulfilling our call to serve others. In the interactions with those you serve, or with those who serve alongside you, what are you doing to minimize unhealthy conflict? Commit to trust and be trustworthy and you'll be Serving Strong!

In A Conflict With Someone? Watch Your Body Language

When you find yourself in the midst of one of those pesky conflicts with another person, there is one thing that is entirely within your control. This one thing will help keep the conflict from becoming more than it could. What is it? Your body language.

Body language must be non-threatening. The folks at workadvisor.com say you should not only avoid any physical contact with your aggressor, but must radiate positive body language. You don't want the other person to get the impression, from your body language, you are indifferent. This will only serve to make them more aggravated.

What is positive body language? Here are some thoughts:

• Keep a sincere smile
• Maintain appropriate eye contact (not staring, but not looking around either)
• Don't cross your arms
• Lean forward (giving the impression you are up to the task of solving the conflict)
• Nod your head occasionally
• From time to time, add "hmmm" or "I see"

When in conflict, use positive body language. You'll continue to be Serving Strong!

It Got Blown Out Of Proportion

It's inevitable. Small issues get blown out of proportion. If you've lived any length of time you have seen this happen in your own life.

The next time this happens, what are you going to do? David J. Lieberman, author of Make Peace With Anyone, gives us a couple ideas for when we have to deal with this:

1. Listen - Refrain from judging what the other person is saying. Don't think about what you're going to say next. Don't agree, disagree, or argue. If they are upset, you're best bet is to say "I'm sorry". Any more than that and they may get more defensive. Lieberman says it would be like telling a person they should eat healthy and exercise regularly while they are having a heart attack. The first step is to resolve the problem at hand. Then address the issues which led to the problem in the first place. It's amazing how helpful it is to simply let someone get an issue off their chest. In a lot of cases, when a person feels heard, it's all they want.
2. Paraphrase - This helps the other person know you've been listening. It also crystallizes his complaint and helps you better understand what the issue is. This is also known as the "drive-thru conversation." When you order a chicken sandwich and iced tea, the voice responds by repeating what your order is. If incorrect, you clear it up right then. If they get it right, you pull forward and pay. Paraphrasing is the same idea.
3. Ask For A Favor - This conveys the message that you are making their problem your problem. For example, after listening and paraphrasing, ask the other person to tell you what they think is a fair solution.

Dealing effectively with small issues that grow into big ones is part of Serving Strong!

Rapport: A Secret To Conflict Management

Conflict (as noted in a previous post) is a topic too large for one sitting. Over time, I will attempt to highlight information, thoughts and concepts together for us as we continue in the people-helping profession.

Conflict is a common source of emotional (and sometimes physical) drainage for people. When things just aren't right between us and another person, we become consumed with feelings of frustration, anger, hopelessness, and stress. The amount of energy it takes to maintain these feelings takes away from the energy we could be devoting to helping others. That's why I am highlighting ways to manage conflict.

One way to manage conflict (or avoid it altogether) is through RAPPORT.

Rapport, as Barbara Pachter notes in her book, The Power of Positive Confrontation, is "a relationship of mutual trust and harmony achieved, in part, through common courtesy and practicing good etiquette."

She goes on to make a distinction between minor and major rapport. An example of minor rapport is saying "hello" to the cashier at the grocery store. No long-term relationship desired, but why not be friendly? Major rapport, by contrast, would be having a conversation with, and getting to know, a neighbor or someone you meet at a conference.  An on-going relationship is desired.

This may seem a little elementary when you think about it. How can a little rapport help me avoid conflict?, you may ask. But it's a simple principle: You usually get back what you put it. When you are nice to someone, you indirectly honor them. While they may not consciously acknowledge it, they will feel (at least) a baseline of trust and like for you. Plus, when rapport is absent, it is almost undeniably noticed.

Bottom line: Be nice and take a genuine interest in the other person. It helps avoid conflict ahead of time.

Interpersonal Confrontation

Conflict in relationships is inevitable. It is a source of emotional and psychological drain for most people. Getting a handle on how to manage conflict with other people is crucial to the people helper who wants to serve with long term effectiveness.

The topic of confrontation and conflict in relationships is much too large to fit into one post. For now, I am highlighting a number of excellent resources I've come across.  I urge you to consider making them (and the concepts contained within them) a part of your library and lifestyle. If you have any to add, send me a comment.

Make Peace With Anyone (by David J. Lieberman, Ph.D)

Emotional Intelligence At Work (by Hendrie Weisinger, Ph.D.)

The Power Of Positive Confrontation (by Barbara Pachter, Susan Magee)

Difficult Conversations (by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, Roger Fisher)

Forgiveness frees the soul

Our family recently joined another family on a mission trip to the hills of Jamaica.  We were met by missionary, Karen Brunk.  It was a great 10 days of labor on a basketball court, swings sets, Bible Kids' Club, and a basketball camp, bumpy bus rides, Easter puppet shows, and authentic Jamaican cuisine.

Karen just shared with us an account of a difficult situation which ultimately ended up as a tremendous opportunity of forgiveness and display of God's grace.  Rather than put it in my words, I've asked permission to copy Karen's email to us.

This is a longer post than I am used to creating.  But I encourage you to read it.  See if there is any forgiveness & grace you need to share with others.  It frees the soul.  It allows us to serve strong!

Karen's court experience:

Hard benches have never been more uncomfortable than they were that day, as I waited for almost 4 hours to hear the names "Brunk vs. Dennis" called.  By now, I had visually inspected every inch of the courtroom, drab and undecorated and antiquated as it was, obviously painted and repainted dozens of times.  Lizards and insects of all kinds climbed in and out and around all the rafters.  Large fans whirred, circulating hot air, and I shifted my weight continuously, unable to avoid bumping into the person next to me, but unable to stand up or leave the courtroom as this would dishonor the Lady Judge.  First I struggled with insatiable thirst (foolishly failing to carry a water bottle with me), then all I could think about was wondering where the nearest bathroom facility might be. (I had been informed that there is no public restroom at the courthouse, but I noticed that there are conveniently a number of bushes scattered around the perimeter.)

For the most part, I was well entertained as I listened to all the cases as they came before the judge.  People argued vehemently over everything from the price of peanuts to unpaid bills to someone cutting down a neighbor's mango tree, to unpaid laborers, to accusations of verbal abuse and threats of physical violence.  I listened soberly as one person after another was reprimanded by this no-nonsense judge as she either dismissed trivial arguments or cases without evidence or demanded that they pay up by xx date OR TEN DAYS IN THE LOCKUP, WITH HARD LABOR!!...... Even as some poor souls stood and held the well-worn Gideon Bible in their right hand to swear they were telling the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth, one still had to wonder.  One man mistakenly repeated...... "the truth, the whole truth, nothing about the truth......" whereupon even the Judge laughed and made him say it over.   Sometimes it resembled a comedy show, although stern-faced police officers stood solemnly in attendance, and whenever laughter would break out they would shout:  "SILENCE IN THE COURT!!"

What brought me to this place and time was the result of an accident involving my Surf (SUV) last summer, when a local uninsured taxi driver was speeding down the narrow mountain road, unable to stop when the two vehicles met on a blind curve. (Someone else was driving the Surf with my permission.)  The crash "totaled" Monk's car, and the Surf sustained considerable damage, although it was repairable. Thankfully no one was seriously injured.   In spite of the long-awaited police report which clearly put Monk at fault and a written statement from the insurance company that although there was liability coverage on Monk's vehicle, he was not a covered driver as he had had his license for less than a year, he was heard to boast throughout the community that he was NOT at fault and would accept no responsibility for it. 

On numerous occasions, I attempted to have a private conversation with Monk regarding the accident.  Although my own comprehensive insurance policy would cover the majority of repair expenses, the excess (deductible) of over $700. (US) was not included.  In addition to this, the cost of my policy increased by 100% at the annual renewal.   Monk continued to behave disrespectfully, including hanging up the phone when I called him, and spinning his tires on loose gravel as he sped away when I stopped him along the road.  Any potential agreement seemed to be getting no where fast.

Long after courtroom scenes and dialog had blended into monotony, I finally stood and stepped forward at the sound of my name.   I was well prepared with written documents and had also rehearsed in my mind what I believed God wanted me to say.  (Seeds for a wise solution to this perplexing problem had been planted in my mind by friends from Ohio, Scott and Jennie Couchenour and Brian and Melissa Carter, who had recently volunteered time in Jamaica.)  The Judge:  "Ms. Brunk, what is your charge against Mr. Dennis?"  I replied, "Your Honor, I would first like for Mr. Dennis to be presented with the evidence that he is in fact guilty of causing this accident, and to admit that he stands responsible for accepting the consequences of his choices and his failure to be properly insured."    The Judge asked for my documentation, and after carefully reviewing it, she stated, "Mr. Dennis, the evidence is clear.  You have been found guilty of reckless driving and having no insurance, and you will be held responsible for paying the price of the damages." 

"Your Honor, there is something else I would like to say...."  "Yes, Ms. Brunk?"  "Your Honor, this man and his family and I live in the same community.   I love his children, who attend Bible Club on my veranda every Saturday.  My own boys take taxi with him up and down the mountain, and pay fare every time.  I do not want anything to stand between us.  I have decided that based on the fact that Jesus forgave me when I was not worthy to be forgiven, I wish to also offer Mr. Dennis forgiveness for what he has done, and to consider his debt paid in full."  As I spoke, the courtroom became absolutely silent, and I could see the Judge's eyes widen.  When I was finished, she spoke again.  "Mr. Dennis!  Have you heard what this lady has said??  Mr. Dennis, let me assure you that it is RARE that a person comes to the court to offer forgiveness!  Mr. Dennis, you are guilty, and yet Ms. Brunk has offered to forgive you!  What do you have to say?"

Monk stood to my immediate left, and after a few moments of stunned silence, he spoke softly.  "I accept her forgiveness."  I turned to face him, and as he turned to look at me, I offered my hand in a gesture of peace.  He reached for my hand, and as I looked into his eyes, my heart was filled with compassion for his soul.  Could God possibly use this experience to soften his heart and draw him to the forgiveness of Jesus?  Might this even be an instrument of healing in the community, where the cycle of rejection and retaliation and darkness needs so desperately to be broken?  Dear Jesus, let it be so.....

In the months previous to this, I had carried a heavy burden of uncertainty, but as I walked from the courthouse grounds that day, I felt as if I were walking on air.  ......"my chains fell off, my heart was free.....!"    .....to carry on, doing what God has called me to do......to represent the heart and hands of Christ in ALL things.  To God be the glory!