SERVING STRONG

Effective Leaders Do This

Some of the things about effective leaders (in my humble opinion):

• Effective leaders listen as if their life depended on it.
• Effective leaders practice genuine humility on a daily basis.
• Effective leaders keep their eye on the back of Jesus' robe at all times.
• Effective leaders use process but develop people.
• Effective leaders know what they can and can't do.
• Effective leaders engage regularly in what Stephen Covey calls "Quadrant 2"
• Effective leaders exercise regularly.
• Effective leaders spend money wisely (personally and organizationally)
• Effective leaders have an exit strategy (they look for their replacement at all times)
• Effective leaders share their learning freely and openly.
• Effective leaders seek to understand; truly understand.
• Effective leaders seek input up and down the proverbial "chain of command".
• Effective leaders keep their sleeves rolled up in case they are needed at a moment's notice.
• Effective leaders are honest about the present struggle with an undying hope for the future.
• Effective leaders wait in the season of wait and act in the season of act.
• Effective leaders rarely carry the title of Leader.
• Effective leaders love their God, then their spouse, and go from there...
• Effective leaders parlay their learning experiences.
• Effective leaders are willing to serve in obscurity (and often do).
• Effective leaders aren't always widely followed in social media.
• Effective leaders maintain an open line of communication with the Father.
• Effective leaders lay down the mantel of independence each morning.
• Effective leaders pick up the mantel of dependence each morning.
• Effective leaders take time to sleep.
• Effective leaders are voracious readers.
• Effective leaders .....

What will you add to the list?

image credit: Victor Bezrukov

9-Inch Choices

As I type this post, here are some of the numbers on the Gulf oil spill:

• More than 46,000 people are involved in the response
• BP has reported spending $3.5 billion already
• Nine million feet of boom have been used
• Dozens of aircraft and more than 6,400 vessels have been deployed
• The US government's high-range estimate is 60,000 barrels per day
• (source)

Here's the number I find interesting:

• "The drill pipe, from which the oil is rising, is actually a 9-nine pipe that rests within the riser," said Bill Salvin, a BP spokesman (source)

A 9-inch pipe.

9 inches?!  (smaller than a soccer ball)

This kinda illustrates how important our choices are each day. A small, "9-inch" decision today can set a trajectory that leads to your legacy (good or bad). Here's an example:

You have a pleasant conversation with your secretary. She's not gorgeous, but attractive. While discussing the incoming mail, you begin to talk about your spouse - how she doesn't quite understand your love of golf. Your secretary comes to your defense. She knows what birdies and bogeys are...

NOTE: "You begin to talk about your spouse" - a "9-inch" decision.

One thing leads to another. Soon you find yourself entangled in a web of emotional attachment resulting in a moral failure spewing forth 60,000 barrels of pain per day upon your loved ones and into the gulf of people you are called to serve.

Don't let this happen to you. Don't think it won't happen to you.

Watch each and every "9-inch" decision you make.

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I'm interested in your thoughts. How do you keep yourself pure?

The 25 Year Package

If you will allow me a personal privilege, I'd like to celebrate a moment.

To you, my subscribers:

Exactly 25 years ago (to the minute) from the posting of this blog entry -June 1, 1985 (music started at 2), I watched a beautiful young lady walk arm in arm with her father down an aisle toward me. In that short span of a few moments my life took a turn for the better. I stepped out of a world of singleness and stepped into a world of togetherness. Her life and my life became one life. Never did I dream I'd be so fulfilled.

Now, I look back on a 25 year package of laughter, sweat, tears, anxiety, cuddling, labor pains (not mine, of course!), rent payments, mortgage payments, date nights, ministry, depression, singing and worship leadership, broken arms, school sports functions, college payments... I am a blessed man.

To you, my sweetheart:

You are the love of my life. I want you to know that when this entry was posted on the internet, many people (granted, not a HUGE number... yet) now know of our life together. That was my objective with this post. I want to climb the highest virtual building in the "city" and shout at the top of my lungs, "I. Love. My. Wife!" You are the best. How 'bout we try for another 25? I love you! Here's our song:

YOU AND ME

 

Related Posts:

Post Archives RE "You and Your Spouse"

Earn A Degree In Your Spouse

Honoring Your Spouse (PDF)

 

Subscribers:

Want to share a special message of love to your spouse?

Enter it in the comments below

The Right Gear (a follow up)

Yesterday I posted an article written by a pastor's wife entitled, "The Right Gear." Here's an excerpt:

"Let me say that I know what it is like to live under a blanket of unspoken expectations and feel the pressure of what I’m supposed to do as the pastor’s wife.  I know many ladies who are still living that way. As independent as I am, I soon discovered that by myself, I could not change that pressure in any way that I tried.  Talk about being frustrated.  Thank God for the example set by our pastor and then continued by my loving husband."

I did a quick Google search on the phrase "Married To The Ministry". Here are the top 3 results I got from that search:

The Preacher's Wife

Married To The Ministry

Married To Ministry

There are many, many more resources out there to address the unique needs and issues facing those of you who's spouse is a ministry leader.

 What resources can you add?

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The Right Gear

The following was written by a pastor's wife. If you serve in ministry and you are married I believe this will be a blessing to you.  If you know someone who is in ministry and married, please share this with them. It's worth the read.

____________________

While I sit on the back of our motorcycle and my husband takes us home from General Assembly in Orlando, Florida, it hits me that our life in ministry is much like riding this bike.  Ministry in itself is an unconventional way of living. Not that it isn’t rewarding and full of blessings, but it is a little different than most other professions.  In a similar way, motorcycling, even as a passenger, is definitely an unconventional way of traveling.  It takes more effort, more gear, driving more defensively, and you feel every kind of weather element there is.  Now, with almost 20 years of ministry and marriage under our belts, my husband and I have realized that with the right “gear” and some extra effort in learning the curves of the “road” and enduring the ever-changing “weather” in ministry, we can live a life of freedom from the pressures and assumptions that ministry often brings.  With this eye-opening way of life, the last ten years have been an unforgettable adventure in serving the Lord.

When we were just starting out in ministry things were interesting.  Freshly married and fresh to ministry is a unique recipe.  My husband and I are fourth generation Nazarenes.  That is a wonderful legacy and we thank God for our heritage, but a strong heritage doesn’t exactly help when trying to learn how to maneuver through the curves of ministry that become a part of your marriage.  All we have ever wanted to do was what the Lord wanted us to do, so we dove in.  Thankfully, things went pretty well.  God was gracious and blessed our efforts, but during this time, I was trying to figure out what my role really was.  Sometimes it felt like I had a target on my back and anyone was allowed to aim and fire at will.  I couldn’t figure this out.  All I did was fall in love with a “God-called” man.  I was unprepared for all of the “bumps and potholes”---the pressures, that come along with this life.  Through many tears, times of prayer, and letting the Lord lead, we survived, but there were some pretty dark days. 

Ten years into our ministry and marriage, we were privileged to be on staff at a great church in North Carolina.  My husband was just finishing a graduate degree and, while we were happy in ministry and in our marriage, the role of ministry in our married life was still something that we struggled over from time to time.  It was about this time that the Lord led us to a life-changing place and introduced us to a great leader of the church.  Though we didn’t fully understand it at the time, his strong leadership created for us an umbrella of protection.

In our personal interview during the hiring process, his words felt like magic when he said them.  And when he did, a new life came forth in me.  Here is what I remember.  Our Pastor went through all of the necessary new-hire items and then he spoke directly to me (incidentally, in what other profession does the wife attend her husband’s interview?) He told me that he wanted to make sure that I knew that he was hiring my husband, not me.  He stressed that if I needed to just be a part of the congregation, that was great with him.  If I felt led to do ministry, that was great with him, too.  He just wanted the Lord to use me as the Lord intended.

Wow! It wasn’t a totally new concept

But no one had ever convinced me that I was allowed to be used by God as He intended, not just as others intended.  Our Pastor valued me as a person and a member of his congregation, not just as a “pastor’s wife.”  Not surprisingly, his attitude carried on through the board and leadership was well. I had never known such a welcome freedom in ministry.  For the first time I understood that this was what I was longing for.  This protective covering was one of the first pieces of gear that my husband and I learned to wear for this adventure called ministry.

As the years have sped by, my husband, now a lead pastor himself, has only strengthened and added onto the “gear” that we use for ministry.  While working with church boards and other leadership teams, he reinforces the idea that they would be hiring him not me or our son.  Every time this has been brought up, everyone in the room or conversation totally agrees.  Let me tell you, this simply concept has had life-changing meaning for me! I can now experience freedom wherever we go.  I can be totally used by God and lead by Him to do what He wants me to do.  This has also given our son the freedom to be himself.  We don’t live in a glass house anymore.

Let me say that I know what it is like to live under a blanket of unspoken expectations and feel the pressure of what I’m supposed to do as the pastor’s wife.  I know many ladies who are still living that way. As independent as I am, I soon discovered that by myself, I could not change that pressure in any way that I tried.  Talk about being frustrated.  Thank God for the example set by our pastor and then continued by my loving husband. 

If you have ever ridden on a motorcycle, especially as a passenger, you know that there are things that you need to make the ride more enjoyable.  You need eye protection, a helmet, the right type of clothes (leather jackets during cold weather, gloves, etc.), rain gear for those rainy days, sunscreen for those hot ones.  All of the above and many more things help to make the ride more fun.  While I was first learning about riding, my husband would give me these things when the time called for it.  I think he wanted me to really enjoy the ride so I would ride again with him.  He was right.  The ride on the road is now so enjoyable for me, that we make plans almost weekly to take a ride.  You see, I know that no matter what may come up, weather changes, pebbles that fly up, or bumps in the road, he has already provided for me the gear that will help me get through it without devastation. 

Riding through this life of ministry, my husband has again provided the “gear” for me that protects, shields and guides me through this unconventional lifestyle.  It is a crazy thing in ministry, but full freedom for the wife really comes when her husband creates an umbrella of protection.  In my life, I just needed someone to say that I could be used of the Lord instead of being used by the church.  My husband tries to always make it known that his family isn’t part of his paycheck.  In other words, we are off limits for preconceived expectations.  Within this umbrella of protection, my son and I love to involved! I choose to listen for the Lord’s guidance to join activities and I do those because of the Lord’s leading, not because I am supposed to. 

Life is really short and ministry is sometimes pretty hard. So my heart’s cry for all the couples that find themselves serving is to strengthen their marriage right in the middle of their ministry.  I have witnessed too many couples leaving the ministry due to not knowing how to deal with it in their marriage.  Or there are those couples that just keep trudging through year after year.  I refuse to accept that life in ministry is a long life of suffering!  I don’t have a rule book to make it easier, but I have found a few things that make it less hard and much more enjoyable.

I am a pastor’s wife, but I am first my husband’s wife.  This is the perspective that keeps me focused and lets me live a healthy life in ministry.  I do need to say that if it were not for my husband’s willingness to be sure I had the right “gear” for the ride, we would still be searching and looking for something to make our life better.  It is not always up to the pastor’s wife to “find her way” in ministry.  I proclaim that it is upon the husband to provide her with the “gear” that she will need as they travel this unconventional life together. 

Look for a list of resources in tomorrow's post based on this article

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Grass Is Always Greener

"The grass is always greener..."

I have an idea what likely went through your mind. You finished out the saying, didn't you? Something like "...on the other side of the fence", huh? If you did, you were right. According to DeProverbio.com:

"This proverb...expresses the only too human idea of discontent, envy, and jealousy in a metaphor which is easily understood. Interestingly enough, the proverb is also literally true as has been demonstrated by James Pomerantz in a scientific article on "'The Grass is always Greener': An Ecological Analysis of an Old Aphorism" (1983). This scholar proves that optical and perceptual laws alone will make the grass at a distance look greener to the human eye than the blades of grass perpendicular to the ground."

Did you catch that? It's an illusion. A trick of the eye.

So it's true. Blades of grass truly DO look greener... at a distance. May I repeat? Grass looks greener at a distance.

Opposite of Distance? Nearness

Who, or what, do you find in your "Nearness" (God. Your spouse. Your kids. Your current assignment in ministry, ...)?

So, what is missing about your Nearness that you are entertaining the "Distance"? What has you so captivated from the illusive Distance that you are willing to give up your precious Nearness? Or flip the question upside down: When was the last time you were so present in your Nearness that you saw, for the first time, something new and wonderful about God, about your spouse, about your kids, about your assignment that the Distance didn't even matter to you?

Forfeit your Nearness and you run the risk of finding yourself in the Distance, nose to nose with illusion (and disappointment).

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You Are Here

It’s true. It’s always true. You will perpetually be here.

Not there.

Not anywhere else… but here.

 

We each own a “here”. We got it the moment we were conceived. We carry it everywhere we go. When we go there, we take our “here” and when we are there, we’re here. Truth is, we ARE here. It defines us. It’s all we ever have… here. 

 

Get it?

 

Some people don’t treat their “here” very well. They shun their “here”. They ignore their “here” and think of things like

…Future worries

…Past mistakes

…Trinkets, trials and troubles

 

But our “here” needs attention. We must feed it to be successful and fulfilled.  As life coaches, we know it as being “present in the moment”.  A couple examples:

…On the carpet putting legos together with your 8 year old son

…Gazing into your spouse’s eyes across the dinner table

…Lost in the wonder of a phrase that jumped out from scripture

 

Start paying attention to your “here” and you notice something wonderful happens. Life will come alive. Life will deepen. Life will make more sense. Life will fulfill. All because you will find God in your “here”.

 

How do you treat your “here”?

 

End Note: Thanks to http://www.chrisbrogan.com for inspiration on this post.

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Ten Questions Of Strength

[the following is an update of a Feb 28, 2010 post]

So you lead others, huh? How's that working out for you? Are you sure about how your leadership is going? When we are weak, our leadership is weak. When we are strong our leadership is strong.

Here are 10 questions you can ask yourself to do a quick check (the more "yes" answers, the better):

1. Am I free from any unresolved conflict with others?
2. Do I take care of my physical well-being (remembering doctor's recommendations)?
3. Am I eating a well balanced, healthy diet including fruits and vegetables?
4. Do I spend a good amount of time each week sitting quietly, listening to the heartbeat of God for my life?
5. Do I stop at least once per week and review my priorities and goals; celebrate wins; and strategize next steps?
6. Am I working at quality connections with my spouse and children?
7. Am I actively pursuing meaningful relationships with friends and family members?
8. Do I have a plan to get, any remain, out of debt?
9. Do I know what my passion, personality, and proficiencies are (any am I engaged most of my waking hours honoring these?
10. Would God be pleased with the internet history file on my computer?

My prayer is for strong leadership on your behalf. Don't neglect who you are as you serve others.

What other questions have you used to ensure your inner strength?

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Ministry Then Family? (update #1)

On January 24, 2010 I posed a question to you: "Which comes first, ministry or family?" (Click to read the original post)

Many of you commented - directly on this blog, in Twitter replies, Facebook comments and direct email messages to me (any thank you so much for providing such incredible insight!) There was an interesting result as comments began to accumulate. Two overarching themes began to surface:

Theme One: Linear Progression. Family first, then ministry. After all, we are setting an example for the span of care God gave us, right? "A healthy ministry is largely built upon the foundation of a healthy pastoral family", one person commented. "Ministry begins at home," wrote another.

A variation on this theme was to put GOD first, then family, then ministry. One comment said, "It depends, do what is pleasing to God in the moment." This places God above both family and ministry.

Theme Two: Mixture. God AND family as two elements cohabiting the same "space".  Kinda like gasoline and air mixing in a carburetor to propel a vehicle forward. "Prioritizing things 'first' and 'second'...pits kingdom versus family. The work of the kingdom (whether that's 'ministry' or 'family') belongs to Him," said one.

Same variation on this theme as Theme One above: God is at the head. Then, based on His desires and our obedience, we will fulfill ministry needs or family needs. We get our direction from Him. But sometimes the distinction between when it's appropriate to attend to family and when to attend to ministry gets blurred. Just ask Abraham what it was like to raise the knife above his son.

Regardless of the themes, one common element stands out: Family is vital to ministry. Family provides stability. It provides a sort of protection from the demands of ministry. It saves from the sin of adultery. Additionally, the family helps in leadership. The folks at the Francis Schaeffer Institute of Church Leadership Development conducted a poll in 2005 of 2,245+ pastors and concluded, among other things, that many pastors, "...have not learned to balance family and ministry or adequately deal with the immense struggles of the job. This, many are not able to lead their church where it needs to go..." (Click here for the entire report)

I'm interested in your thoughts as we delve further into this "Ministry / Family" topic.

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QUESTION:

What habits do you employ to keep your family strong as you pursue kingdom ministry?

Ministry Then Family?

Ministry <<<< >>>> Family

Which comes first? Which comes second? Are pastors and leaders called to meet the leadership needs of the flock before their own family's needs? Or do the roles of spouse and parent override parishioners?

I believe some of the burnout that pastors and other ministry leaders experience is because of a misunderstanding of the answer to these key questions.

I need your help. What are YOUR thoughts on the subject? Does family come before ministry? Or does ministry trump the home?

Your comments may help enlighten others who have a real struggle with this issue.

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The Scenery Is Beautiful But...

Over the holidays we visited extended family. During the visit we gathered around a laptop to view a bunch of old, historical family slides which had been scanned and put on a CD Rom.

We laughed at the fashion statements. We wondered if so-and-so was still alive. We mused at the hairstyles. We chuckled at the faces. We even cried as we came across a slide of a beloved family member we lost to cancer a few years back.

I noticed something.

The slides were a mix of scenery and people. When we got to a scenic picture, whether a majestic mountain range or beautiful forest, we quickly went to the next slide with someone's face in it. We were glossing over the scenery and getting to what we valued: people.

When it all comes down to it, WHO we have around us is much more than WHAT locations we were able to capture on film ("film" now I'm dating myself!) I'm not against scenery pictures. I always love a good metaphor. But when I want to remember what's really important, give me pictures of loved ones.

Are you spending too much time looking at your "scenery" (for instance, time on Twitter, Facebook, blogging, etc.) at the expense of human interaction? When was the last time you logged out of the computer and logged into the life of someone close?

We need each other. Those with robust community Serve Strong!

What do YOU think? (add your comments or thoughts)

You And Your Spouse

Here are three resources to check out as you have time. They are designed to help you augment your efforts at staying close and intimate with your spouse as you also fulfill your calling  help others:

Real Relationships
Invest in your marriage

Honor Your Spouse  
A tool for learning more about your #1
human relationship

National Institute of Marriage
Building, Restoring and Renewing
the Promise of a Great Marriage

You may find a list of free downloads and other links on the Serving Strong resource page.

NOTE:  Although Serving Strong provides these resources, it may not condone or agree with
everything contained therein.

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Marriage And Money

Do you fit this profile:

• You are called to help other people.
• You are married.
• You have money coming in and expenses going out.
• You and your spouse argue over your budget.

Marriage and money are a contentious pair. More fights break out over the use of, or lack of, money in a couple's relationship. When this conflict occurs, it saps energy from you. This is energy you could be devoting to helping others in your calling.

Take a few minutes and review the following links. Perhaps it's time to do a marriage money makeover. Perhaps it's time to sit down and map out a spending plan (I like that much better than calling it a "budget") with your spouse.

Finance Wisdom from Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott

Money and Relationships from Dave Ramsey

Marriage and Money: Getting On The Same Page from Matthew Paulson

Gain control of the money inpact on your marriage and you'll be Serving Strong!

In-Laws Or Out-Laws?

As a married ministry leader, you may be blessed with some great in-laws. You may not. Dr. Les Parrott says in The Control Freak:

"While some blessed couples couldn't be happier with their in-laws, the majority of couples feel their in-laws are outlaws. And the number one complaint is over-controlling behavior."

How you deal with your in-laws will have an impact on your marriage. And the strength or weakness of your marriage will have an impact on how you are able to minister to others.

Take advantage of the website, Real Relationships, on the topic of in-laws. Les and Leslie Parrott answer questions in online video format. Here is a sampling of just a few questions they address:

"My husband does not like my family and now I dread all family functions because he mostly sits like a bump on a log when we're with them. Should we just not attend or should I go alone?"

"My wife does not get along with my mom. My mom isn't perfect but she isn't as bad as my wife thinks she is too. I am caught in the middle. Can I step out and refuse to referee their arguments?"

"My in-laws are very sweet people and I appreciate all their kindness, but sometimes they become so involved in our lives that it drives me nuts. What can I do when my in-laws smother us?"

To check out the entire list of questions CLICK HERE

Take a good hard look at the impact of in-laws on your marriage. Address these concerns with sound, biblical advice and you'll be Serving Strong!

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Weak Tips

From observations, reading, coaching client interactions, I've compiled a list of surefire ways to maintain weakness in service to others:

1. Stay In Debt. Use credit cards like they are going out of style. Then justify your expenditures with a phrase like, "I've got to build up my credit score."
2. Serve Alone. This will take a little more work for the outgoing, people-oriented. But do your best to engage in ministry without any regard for leaning on the strength, perspective, and assistance of others. You are all you need.
3. Serve Exclusively. Even though you have a number of plates (marriage, parenting, fitness, spiritual growth) forget all that. Your work in helping OTHERS is paramount. If that means neglecting your spouse, kids, health, or walk with God - so be it. The work must be done. Give, give, and give some more. It's the only way.
4. Stop Learning. That's right. You know just enough to be dangerous. Get out there and do the work of a servant. Experience is all you need. Some people believe in 10 years of learning. Not you, 1 year of learning 10 times is good enough. Plus, when you invest in yourself, that's that much more time you could be out there doing the work.

There. That should help get you started. I'm sure there are other tips you can add to the list. Perhaps you may even take the time from your busy schedule to comment on the post (but not if it means helping someone else out - that would mean they would learn. And we don't want that!)

This un-message brought to you by Serving Strong (and, no, the picture is not of me - although I would probably look worse!)

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Strangely Disconnect (re-post)

September 2008 I posted an experience regarding what I call a "Season of Frenzy". I witness a lot of people engaged in this season these days and I thought I'd re-post the thought today. Here it is:

I just came out of a very busy 2-week period.  I was away from home on 3 separate trips.  And because of the trips, I was overly busy at home and the office.  It was what I call a "season of frenzy."

Seasons come and go.  We're in the beginning of Autumn in Ohio and we're seeing sections of trees turning yellow or maroon.  This season is replacing the beautiful summer season we just came through.  And it will be replaced by the winter season.  Seasons were meant to be temporary.

The season I went through is now past and I don't have a trip planned for the near future.  But what I noticed was the toll it took on my marriage relationship.  Throughout the "season of frenzy" and for a time afterward, Jennie and I had to do some reconnecting.  We value quiet time together and the "season" hadn't allowed us to honor that value.  We hadn't connected for longer than we prefer.  We were temporarily out of balance.

Lesson Learned:

I vowed to try and look ahead to any upcoming "seasons of frenzy" and take steps ahead of time to ensure life balance.  For example, in this particular case had I taken preventative measures, I would have carved out at least 2 special dates with Jennie when I was home between trips.  I learned that while in the "season of frenzy" I need to create more intentional boundaries and self care measures.

Learn to navigate through your "seasons of frenzy" and you'll be Serving Strong!

The next issue of the Serving Strong eNews will provide some practical steps in dealing with a Season of Frenzy. If you're not a subscriber to this free resource, CLICK HERE

I just came out of a very busy 2-week period.  I was away from home on 3 separate trips.  And because of the trips, I was overly busy at home and the office.  It was what I call a "season of frenzy."

Seasons come and go.  We're in the beginning of Autumn in Ohio and we're seeing sections of trees turning yellow or maroon.  This season is replacing the beautiful summer season we just came through.  And it will be replaced by the winter season.  Seasons were meant to be temporary.

The season I went through is now past and I don't have a trip planned for the near future.  But what I noticed was the toll it took on my marriage relationship.  Throughout the "season of frenzy" and for a time afterward, Jennie and I had to do some reconnecting.  We value quiet time together and the "season" hadn't allowed us to honor that value.  We hadn't connected for longer than we prefer.  We were temporarily out of balance.

Lesson Learned:

I vowed to try and look ahead to any upcoming "seasons of frenzy" and take steps ahead of time to ensure life balance.  For example, in this particular case had I taken preventative measures, I would have carved out at least 2 special dates with Jennie when I was home between trips.  I learned that while in the "season of frenzy" I need to create more intentional boundaries and self care measures.

Learn to navigate through your "seasons of frenzy" and you'll be Serving Strong!

The next issue of the Serving Strong eNews will provide some practical steps in dealing with a Season of Frenzy. If you're not a subscriber to this free resource, CLICK HERE

Too Much Of A Good Thing

Today is a special day for Americans. Freedom is celebrated all across the country. The staple of the celebration: Fireworks.

It's a beautiful thing to behold fireworks when they burst from the earth and explode in the sky with an array of colors and sound. They have evoked "Ohhh"s and "Awww"s from children and adults for years.

It's also a dangerous thing when fireworks go wrong. The picture in this post apparently is what happens when a homemade firework meets the human hand.

Fireworks: A paradox of beauty and danger.

Working with people: A paradox of a satisfying career and burnout.

You are a people helpers. You labor in the craft of others' burdens. You are problem solvers. You feel others' pain. How do you keep this tremendous callling from eroding into burnout? I suggest 4 habits:

1) Spin. Be sure your plates (Christ follower, spouse, parent, financial, relational, physical, etc.) are spinning with approriate speed and attention.

2) Swing. Be sure to go full out in your work AND go full in to rest and recreate. Remember, it's not so much that you rest from your work as it is you work from your rest.

3) Align. Be sure to spend most of your waking hours engaged in where your passion lies and where your skills are used.

4) Center. Start each day in a posture of brokenness before the God who calls you and stay in that posture the remainder of the day.

Spin, Swing, Align, and Center. These are the habits which help you keep your profession beautiful without burning out.  Serve Strong!

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A Quest For Peanuts

I was on a flight to speak at a conference the other day. On the first leg of the trip, I sat by an elderly couple. They didn't speak much. They had obviously lived a full life. Their hands were gnarled and skin was worn. He sat looking out the window. She read The Shack.

The steward passed out those little bags of peanuts. You know the kind, if you've ever flown. The old man opened his no problem and started eating. She, hunched over with her arthritic hands, was having a bit more difficulty. I watched as they communicated without using words. He motioned to her how to get the bag open. She tried and failed. He motioned again. She tried and failed. Finally, he gently took the bag and opened the bag for her and she began enjoying her peanuts. Without a word spoken, they communicated to each other.

The neat thing about this story is that on the second leg of the trip I sat down in the next plane and there they were - the same couple! She looked at me. I looked at her and we exchanged smiles. She asked if I had sat by them before. I answered yes. She said she recognized the book I was reading. I said I recognized the book she was reading.

We struck up a conversation throughwhich I learned about their marriage of over 67 years. She was 96 years old and he was 95. Wow! What a wonderful expression of a marital relationship!

I want there to be a 44 year old blogging about me and Jennie in the year 2052 like that. I desire to have the kind of marriage that lives beyond 67 years AND transcends to a strangers blog post AND inspires others to do the same. How about you?

Keep your marriage strong and you'll be Serving Strong!

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Accountability 101

Pastors set their own hours. The profession offers a lot of time alone for planning and thought. Although this sounds like a dream job, temptations run rampant.

Are you serious about remaining morally strong? Have you considered setting up your own personal accountability system but don't know where to start? Perhaps you are doing fine right now but you lack a "fence" of consistency to stay the course and finish strong. If that describes your situation, you are invited to join a phone presentation to gain ideas on how to begin the process. You will hear from Scott Couchenour, Certified Life Coach, who will share concepts and practical ideas to help increase your chances for sustainable success over temptation. Time permitting, he will take a couple of your questions.

The call is free*. It's simple (you can call from the convenience of your own home or office). Your name will not be shared.

Date:      Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Time:      1:00 pm (EDT)
Duration: 30-60 minutes

If you are interested, email [email protected] and put "accountability" in the subject line to receive the dial-in number and conference code.

Space is limited so act today to reserve your seat.

* Your only cost is any long distance charge

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Life Fitness

Recumbant bikes, treadmills, stair-steppers. These are all the tools of the physical fitness world. People join YMCAs and other fitness companies all across the world to stay fit.

But have you ever considered fitness in other areas of your life? Consider the following areas and ask youself how fit you are? What tools do you need to stay fit in each area? What is your "exercise routine" for each area?

Spiritual Fitness

Marital Fitness

Parental Fitness

Financial Fitness

Interpersonal Fitness

Mental Fitness

Vocational Fitness

Work on the fitness in all of your life's areas and you''ll be Serving Strong!

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What's Your Code Of Honor?

I'm currently reading a book by Blair Singer entitled, The ABC's of Building A Business Team That Works.  As VP of Operations of Cogun, Inc. I am helping to coach teams to be successful.  One concept I thought was helpful in the life of a people helper is captured in the following quote from the book:

"Every family and every marriage goes through trying times. The code or the rules keep them united. Otherwise kids go off and make their own decisions, which may not be in their best interest. Spouses can get distracted or stressed, and under pressure they may say and do things that they regret later. The code is the set of agreements and rules that force you to be the person that you agreed you wanted to be in a sane and logical moment."

What's your code of honor for your family? For you marriage? If you don't have one, perhaps today is a good day to sit everyone down and hammer out how you will communicate with each other.  Here are 5 rules between Singer and his wife which he shares in his book:

Communicate daily no matter where I am in the world (Singer travels a lot)

Stick with all disagreements until they are resolved

Study together

Keep your agreements

Commit to personal development and education

Having a code is not a bad idea. It may just help you Serve Strong!

Stay Morally Healthy - 3 Examples

Todd Rhoades posted a VERY important post on his blog, Monday Morning Insights that ALL PASTORS MUST READ.

We all know that pastors need to avoid moral failure at all costs. We have all seen on TV the evangelists who are publicly disgraced. We may even know someone personally who has had to surrender credentials because of an indiscretion.

But we need more than a "you ought not do it."  WE NEED EXAMPLES:

Here are 3 leading pastors in today's culture and what they are doing to remain pure:

Read Shaun King's example

Read Craig Groeschel's example

Read Perry Noble's example

In addition, Serving Strong is affiliated with Covenant Eyes, an online filtering and accountability solution.  If you use ServingStrong as the promo code with you sign up, your first month is free.

Sign up for Covenant Eyes here

Staying morally fit is a definite part of Serving Strong!

Accountability In Action

It's Tuesday morning and I just read a Covenant Eyes accountability report on a friend.  I was asked to be his accountability partner and glad to do it.  I receive his reports on a weekly basis.  As I read down through the report, I am pleased to see,

"no unusual activity this reporting period"

"no high scoring web searches"

"no web sites blocked by the Covenant Eyes Filter"

"no high scoring sites visited during the reporting period"

These are the things I like to see from those who ask me to hold them accountable.  PLUS, I have my own report going to my own accountability partner and I'm glad they too are seeing the same phrases in my accountability report.

Are you using Covenant Eyes yet?  If you aren't, you need to be.  The internet is an incredibly wonderful and devastating thing.  If used right, it can bring a lot of helpful information as you pursue your people helping.  If used wrong, it can destroy all you've worked to achieve.

Serving Strong is an affiliate of Covenant Eyes.  If you sign up using PromoCode: ServingStrong, your first month is free.  But the great thing is, it's not that expensive anyway.  If you want to start surfing safely, here's the link to get started:

GET COVENANT EYES

Safe surfing is part of Serving Strong in your peopl-helping profession!

How To Make A Good Decision

Each day we wake to a new set of hundreds (perhaps thousands) of choices.  Since our time, energy, and resources are limited, we must make the best choices at each fork in the road.  This is the essence of pursuing excellence.  It's also a key to living in balance.  Choices impact our role as people helper, spouse, parent, and so on.  Choices impact our life areas such as our career, finances, physical health, spiritual health, and so on.

But how do I know I'm making the right decisions each time?

For example, if I'm on the floor at home playing with my two young children in the evening and I get a call on my work phone, how do I know if I should take the call?  The answer is partly based on your objectives; your masterplan.  Let me explain...

Choices Based On Objectives

Consider the evening call as an example.  But this time, instead of simply being on the floor playing with your children, you have determined what the kids really need is a relationship with you.  You understand a relationship with them now will help when they reach the turbulent teen years.  So instead of just killing time with the kids, you are intentionally developing this relationship with them via, say, a lego building exercise.  Now you get that call on your work phone.  A choice must still be made.  Do you pause your relationship-building time to take a work-related call?  Or do you let the call go to voicemail and check it after the kids go to bed?  The choice is still yours.  But a good choice will be made when it's based upon your objectives.

We make choices on a whim when there are no objectives or masterplan to guide us.  We are swayed by the winds of "I ought to do this" or "I ought to do that."  And many people end up imbalanced in their work and life.

Start designing your objectives; your masterplan.  It's the the key to Serving Strong!

Note:  Email me ([email protected]) for your free coaching session.  If you're serious about making the best decisions this new year, experience how life coaching can benefit you as you design your own personal masterplan.

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Guys: Stay Out Of The Doghouse This Christmas

My pastor blogged about this... check it out:

Surfing Your Values (part 3)

Check out Part 1
Check out Part 2

I am linking to a series of posts on the Breaking Free Blog put out by the folks at Covenant Eyes.  They are highlighting Daniel Lohrmann's "Seven Habits of Online Integrity," from his book, Virtual Integrity: Faithfully Navigating the Brave New Web.

Here are the rest of the 7 Habits:

Habit #4: Apply Helpful Technology

Lohrman identifies three broad categories of current technology:  Computer security, Web filtering software, and Accountability software.  All three of these types of software promote a safe online experience.  Some websites are ideal places for you to learn about the different technology options.

Habit #5: Balance Online and Offline Life

Because we live in this Internet age, there is always the risk of spending too much time online in a way that hinders our growth mentally, physically, socially, and emotionally. Taking a brief look around youth culture, for example, one can see a host of time-consuming, compulsive, and unbalanced uses of technology.

Habit #6: Practice Humble Authenticity

Lohrman suggests three ways to practice humble authenticity as we work to surf our values: Conduct honest self-examination, stay away from the "virtual cliffs" in cyberspace, and surft your true identity.

Habit #7: Become a cyber ambassador for good

We belong to another coming kingdom.  That kingdom's values are very different from this world's.  Our power, recognition, status, pleasure, and wealth are totally redefined by our relationship to the King, Jesus Christ.

This post is just the beginning.  To read the entire post on Covenant Eyes' blog, CLICK HERE.

Note: I have tagged this post in many of the Serving Strong blog categories intentionally.  Because internet integrity touches so many of our facets of life.  When we are surfing with integrity we are Serving Strong!

CLICK HERE

to get your first month free with Covenant Eyes' accountability software

(Promo Code: Serving Strong)

Surfing Your Values (part 2)

I posted a comment on November 19, 2008.  This is a follow up to that post.

I am linking to a series of posts on the Breaking Free Blog put out by the folks at Covenant Eyes.  They are highlighting Daniel Lohrmann's "Seven Habits of Online Integrity," from his book, Virtual Integrity: Faithfully Navigating the Brave New Web.

Habit #1:  Refresh Your Values in Cyberspace

The first step to surfing our values is remembering what our values are and realizing that they should apply to the Internet as well.  So what are your offline values? What would you label a “good” character quality?  How do your online behaviors match up?

Habit #2:  Pledge Personal Online Integrity

Creating a pledge for Internet use is not something just for protecting children: it is something every adult ought to do.  This personal pledge doesn’t need to be complicated or overly detailed.  One of the best ways to guard children from Internet pitfalls is by setting a standard for them by the way WE live as adults.

Habit #3:  Seek Trusted Accountability

Once we’ve committed to online integrity, it only makes sense that we set up some system of accountability.  Share the details of our pledge with trusted friends or family members, giving them permission to ask you to give an account of your commitment.  Whatever you do, involve someone else in the process who will show you tough love and always challenge you to the standards you have set.

CLICK HERE TO READ THE ENTIRE POST FROM BREAKING FREE BLOG

Note: I have tagged this post in many of the Serving Strong blog categories intentionally.  Because internet integrity touches so many of our facets of life.  When we are surfing with integrity we are Serving Strong!

Surfing Your Values

I subscribe to Covenant Eyes.  It's an online accountability software program that monitors all my online activity.  I have an accountability partner who review an activity report on a weekly basis.  I do not intend to surf the internet for sites that are questionable.  But I want to be extremely cautious as I do my work of blogging, internet research, and website maintenance.  Having that element of accountability honors our God-given design to serve in community rather than as an island.

I HIGHLY recommend that you make the same investment.  Here where you do that.

Covenant Eyes has a companion blog called Breaking Free.  I have found the posts to be very informative and helpful as I navigate this online world of ours.  One recent post discusses part of Daniel Lohrmann’s book, Virtual Integrity, called Seven Habits of Online Integrity.

Here's a quote from Lohrmann:

“I’d like to offer you seven habits to faithfully navigate the brave new Web, which will hopefully become regular practices in your life. One goal of this list is to establish a basic framework for individuals to surf their values. . . . These are action-oriented disciplines that strive to be “non-techie,” easy to understand, and flexible to implement based upon need.”

Watch this video:

I will be following this list of posts as they come out.  I suggest you follow along as well.

Incidentally, I have tagged this post in many of the Serving Strong blog categories intentionally.  Because internet integrity touches so many of our facets of life.  When we are surfing with integrity we are Serving Strong!

Couples and Financies

A friend of mine, Linda Stoll from Creekside Ministries, posted a great note on her blog.  She lists several steps couples can take to ensure a strong marriage when it comes to money.  Two ideas include...

Identify each partner's patterns of spending & saving

Increase your financial teamwork as a couple

Read the entire post.

A strong marriage is behind the people helper who is Serving Strong!

Great Posts On Marriage

Family Life has some great information and tools that will help you create and maintain a growing, vibrant marriage as you serve in your compassion field.  Here are a few links:

Healthy Marriage

Troubled Marriage

Romance

Keeping your marriage strong is part of what's behind your ability to Serve Strong!

Strangely Disconnected

I just came out of a very busy 2-week period.  I was away from home on 3 separate trips.  And because of the trips, I was overly busy at home and the office.  It was what I call a "season of frenzy."

Seasons come and go.  We're in the beginning of Autumn in Ohio and we're seeing sections of trees turning yellow or maroon.  This season is replacing the beautiful summer season we just came through.  And it will be replaced by the winter season.  Seasons were meant to be temporary.

The season I went through is now past and I don't have a trip planned for the near future.  But what I noticed was the toll it took on my marriage relationship.  Throughout the "season of frenzy" and for a time afterward, Jennie and I had to do some reconnecting.  We value quiet time together and the "season" hadn't allowed us to honor that value.  We hadn't connected for longer than we prefer.  We were temporarily out of balance.

Lesson Learned:

I vowed to try and look ahead to any upcoming "seasons of frenzy" and take steps ahead of time to ensure life balance.  For example, in this particular case had I taken preventative measures, I would have carved out at least 2 special dates with Jennie when I was home between trips.  I learned that while in the "season of frenzy" I need to create more intentional boundaries and self care measures.

Learn to navigate through your "seasons of frenzy" and you'll be Serving Strong!

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Married To A Youth Pastor

I just came across an article involving five youth ministry spouses who reveal what it's really like to be a youth minister's spouse.  It discusses what you may need to know about your job's impact on your family. 

A few quotes from the article:

"My patience with kids in general has quadrupled since we first got married. And I think my own children have benefited as a result. Also, my kids are growing up with lots of big brothers and sisters who love them."

"Having the entire church looking at and into our lives-that adds pressure to our home life. And it makes it difficult to enjoy church and to be ministered to. In fact, we feel like we don't really have a church when it comes to being ministered to. When I'm at church, I feel like I'm working, even though he's the one who works for the church."

"Next to Christ, your family should be your priority-not your ministry. It's more valuable for youth to see a man who loves God, who loves his wife, and who loves his children."

You can view this article by clicking here.  Read it for yourself and see if there is anything you can apply to your own persona growth.

The unique relationship you have with your spouse in ministry (whether you are a husband or wife) is not something to take lightly.  How you navigate the waters between your marriage and ministry will have a profound impact on your ability to Serve Strong!

Married To A Caregiver

Are you a caregiver to someone in your home?  If so, how is it impacting the quality of your marriage?  When you are taking care of someone 24/7/365 and you are also trying to stay close to your spouse, how do you maintain a strong marriage?

These types of questions are addressed in a very helpful interview by Denise M. Brown, Publisher and Editor.  She talked with Jenny Henson, a registered professional caregiver who is taking care of her uncle in her home.  The interview is on www.caregiving.com.

They address issues like

• How to communicate with your spouse.
• Sharing duties around the house.
• Maintaining intimacy.
• Handling conflict.

Read the entire interview.

The One Thing That Hinders Effective Service

Scott Hughes talks about 3 common unhealthy activities - one of which I'd like to highlight in this post.

The Television.

Scott Hughes considers it possibly the "worst addiction in society" because it engulfs so many people so much of the time.  Hours and hours of time are wasted while we sit idly in front of the TV as our minds stew aimlessly and our bodies increasingly get weak and fat.  I agree (although I'm talking to myself here as much as to you, since I've been known to waste a few hours here and there watching mindless drivel :))

So, what is YOUR television viewing habit?  How much time do YOU spend watching?  Perhaps there's an acceptable amount of TV for the TV to briefly "escape" from the pressures of people helping.  But just imagine how much more time we can devote to the other areas of our life if we get up, turn it off, and walk out of the TV room (quality time with our spouse, time with kids, yard work, calling a good friend, encouraging a neighbor, studying God's Word, reading a book on our particular calling, exercising....)?

Regulate the amount of TV time for maximum impact and you'll be Serving Strong!

Note:  image from www.gadgetaddict.com

Who Benefits From Your Growth?

Each August, Shaker Woods is an event which takes place near where I live.  It's a collection of craft booths, primitive entertainment, and food.  It all takes place in a wooded area.  We've gone to walk along the pebble stone pathways and look at various crafts, eat some kettle corn, etc.

Interesting are the various garage sales and craft tents that line the roads leading to the location of the Shaker Woods.  These are ordinary people trying to sell their wares to the masses who travel the the Woods.  In essence they are riding on the popularity of the Shaker Woods event, trying to benefit from it.

You are growing at some rate in your personal life (I hope).  Do you realize the impact you are having on those in your span of care?  Do you understand how your personal growth indirectly (or often directly) impact the personal growth of someone close to you?  For example, say you are truly learning the keys to being more patient.  Imagine what you are doing to model patience to your kids as they learn how to deal with their friends.

We are always being watched.  Influence is inevitable.  That means when we grow personally, we are "raising the water in the harbor for all the ships."  Kind of creates a greater sense of urgency to our personal growth, doesn't it?

Keep growing personally and you'll be Serving Strong!

Fight Fair...Go Deeper

"Once you know how to fight fair, conflict is often the price we pay for a deeper level of intimacy."

This is a quote by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott from their work, I Love You More.  On their website, www.real relationships.com, they cover a number of questions and issues regarding conflict in marriage.  Some of them include:

• "My wife and I desperately need marriage counseling.  My wife refuses to go and I feel we will end up in a divorce if we do not get counseling, but maybe that is what she wants.  Any advice?"
• "I have been married for about a year and find that I don't argue very well.  Do you have some tips on how to argue?"
• "My husband must be having a mid-life crisis.  He wants to skydive and scuba dive, etc.  He's wearing different clothes and wants a new car.  I don't want to do these things on the one hand but I might be left behind on the other.  What should I do?"

The Parrotts give sound advice on these and other issues.  Visit this site and see if your question is addressed.

Marital conflict, if not dealt with fairly, can be the thing that is keeping you from Serving Strong!

Married To The Ministry

I married a PK (Preacher's Kid).  So I only have a little glimpse of what it's like to be in a pastor's household (and I love my in-laws!)

But being married to the ministry has got to be one of the most unique situations on earth.  Where do you turn for help?  How do you process all the situations that you face?  Who do you talk to?

Well, I found a blog that just may help answer those questions if you can relate.

Visit THE PREACHER'S WIFE.  Check it out.

Dating Your Spouse

Typical progression of seasons in the life of a couple:

• Pre-marriage
• Pre-child
• Mid-child
• Post-child (empty nest)

We generally think of dating in the "Pre-marriage" season.  We are courting our soon-to-be spouse.  We want to know all about them.  We are pleasant.  We put our best foot forward.  We don't burp, pick our teeth, or make generally-offensive noises.

But unless we're careful, we can skip the "Pre-child" and "Mid-child" seasons and before we know it, we're in the "Empty nest" stage wondering "who is that person across the dinner table?"  This can be awkward.

A Dating Lifestyle

The key is to maintain a healthy dose of dating throughout EVERY season of life together.  Don't let the tyranny of the kids' schedules, work life, or household chores eat into your dating time.  Consider a constant quest of learning about your spouse through each season.  Don't let up.

The marriage of a people helper is key.  When it is healthy, we can Serve Strong!

Note:  The picture comes from www.christiandatingforus.com

The Triangle Of Intimacy

The accompanying diagram illustrates a concept that impacts both the spiritual and marital dimensions of the people-helper. In order to understand the concept, let's look at the various parts of the diagram:

First, notice the 3 points: You, Your Spouse, and God. For the purpose of this illustration, these are the basic components of a Christian marriage.

Second, notice the line between You and God, as well as the line between Your Spouse and God. This signifies the journey You (and Your Spouse) travel as you get closer and closer in (or farther away from) intimacy with God.

Lastly, notice the two lines entitled "A" and "B". These represent the closeness between you and your spouse.

The concept is simple - Notice that line "B" is shorter than line "A". As You and Your Spouse grow in intimacy with God on a personal level, the distance between the two of you becomes smaller. In essence...

Growing intimacy with God promotes growing intimacy in your marriage.

We can allow the distractions of life to keep us from growing in God. But the effort we invest on our relationship with Him not only impacts us personally, but our marriage as well. What are you doing to invest in your relationship with God these days?

People-helpers who are married must make their marriage a priority in order to Serve Strong!

It Got Blown Out Of Proportion

It's inevitable. Small issues get blown out of proportion. If you've lived any length of time you have seen this happen in your own life.

The next time this happens, what are you going to do? David J. Lieberman, author of Make Peace With Anyone, gives us a couple ideas for when we have to deal with this:

1. Listen - Refrain from judging what the other person is saying. Don't think about what you're going to say next. Don't agree, disagree, or argue. If they are upset, you're best bet is to say "I'm sorry". Any more than that and they may get more defensive. Lieberman says it would be like telling a person they should eat healthy and exercise regularly while they are having a heart attack. The first step is to resolve the problem at hand. Then address the issues which led to the problem in the first place. It's amazing how helpful it is to simply let someone get an issue off their chest. In a lot of cases, when a person feels heard, it's all they want.
2. Paraphrase - This helps the other person know you've been listening. It also crystallizes his complaint and helps you better understand what the issue is. This is also known as the "drive-thru conversation." When you order a chicken sandwich and iced tea, the voice responds by repeating what your order is. If incorrect, you clear it up right then. If they get it right, you pull forward and pay. Paraphrasing is the same idea.
3. Ask For A Favor - This conveys the message that you are making their problem your problem. For example, after listening and paraphrasing, ask the other person to tell you what they think is a fair solution.

Dealing effectively with small issues that grow into big ones is part of Serving Strong!

Rapport: A Secret To Conflict Management

Conflict (as noted in a previous post) is a topic too large for one sitting. Over time, I will attempt to highlight information, thoughts and concepts together for us as we continue in the people-helping profession.

Conflict is a common source of emotional (and sometimes physical) drainage for people. When things just aren't right between us and another person, we become consumed with feelings of frustration, anger, hopelessness, and stress. The amount of energy it takes to maintain these feelings takes away from the energy we could be devoting to helping others. That's why I am highlighting ways to manage conflict.

One way to manage conflict (or avoid it altogether) is through RAPPORT.

Rapport, as Barbara Pachter notes in her book, The Power of Positive Confrontation, is "a relationship of mutual trust and harmony achieved, in part, through common courtesy and practicing good etiquette."

She goes on to make a distinction between minor and major rapport. An example of minor rapport is saying "hello" to the cashier at the grocery store. No long-term relationship desired, but why not be friendly? Major rapport, by contrast, would be having a conversation with, and getting to know, a neighbor or someone you meet at a conference.  An on-going relationship is desired.

This may seem a little elementary when you think about it. How can a little rapport help me avoid conflict?, you may ask. But it's a simple principle: You usually get back what you put it. When you are nice to someone, you indirectly honor them. While they may not consciously acknowledge it, they will feel (at least) a baseline of trust and like for you. Plus, when rapport is absent, it is almost undeniably noticed.

Bottom line: Be nice and take a genuine interest in the other person. It helps avoid conflict ahead of time.

Interpersonal Confrontation

Conflict in relationships is inevitable. It is a source of emotional and psychological drain for most people. Getting a handle on how to manage conflict with other people is crucial to the people helper who wants to serve with long term effectiveness.

The topic of confrontation and conflict in relationships is much too large to fit into one post. For now, I am highlighting a number of excellent resources I've come across.  I urge you to consider making them (and the concepts contained within them) a part of your library and lifestyle. If you have any to add, send me a comment.

Make Peace With Anyone (by David J. Lieberman, Ph.D)

Emotional Intelligence At Work (by Hendrie Weisinger, Ph.D.)

The Power Of Positive Confrontation (by Barbara Pachter, Susan Magee)

Difficult Conversations (by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, Roger Fisher)

The "Hard Worker" Syndrome

What does your family think of you at home? Do they consider you a hard worker? If so, hold on a minute. Don't assume that's a good thing. Gene Bedell, entrepreneur, founder of Tenzing LLC, and parent points out something to ponder in his book, "3 Steps To Yes". If your family thinks you're a hard worker and you are proud of that - there may be more to the story.

You may be thinking you're doing all that work and ministry for them. You may think your work makes it possible for your family to do what they want to do and own what they own. You may also think since you're in the business of helping people, they should understand and be just as excited about your ministry as you are.

But if your spouse needs companionship and your children need help being accepted by their peers, your position as superprovider or superminister is irrelevant to them no matter how much your earnings can provide or how many other people you help. Being a hard worker in people-helping is only part of the equation. Your role as spouse and parent cannot just get your left-overs when you come home at the end of the day.

What kind of worker are you? How do you balance your roles of people-helper, spouse, and parent? Keep a close eye on your influence at work AND home and you'll be Serving Strong!

Marriage Tip For The "Man's Man"

You love competition. You are drawn to winning. You eat your meat raw. You bite your nails (the 10-penny kind). You can lift 2,500 pounds in the air and still take a call on your mobile phone. You're a MAN'S MAN.

All this talk about pulling your weight in the marriage and being touchy-feely makes you uncomfortable. You know a little give & take is the oil that makes the marriage engine hum. But, being a man's man, you have no idea how to help out around the house. What do you do?

Try this simple method for building up your spouse -  the next time you try to think of something to do for your spouse, ask yourself this question:

"What could I do for my spouse that if my buddies saw me doing it, would ask me if I lost a bet."

The answer could be a multitude of things: sweeping the living room floor, making the bed in the morning, changing a diaper, changing a light bulb, helping the kids with homework, and so on.

Being a man's man doesn't have to keep you from being engaged with your spouse and Serving Strong!

Love Notes Found In Unique Places

Everyone I know enjoys getting an unexpected note of appreciation or love. It doesn't have to be very long or drawn out. It can be as simple as "I appreciate you." It's also fun for the note writer as well. Whether you're receiving a note or giving one, this kind of activity is what strong, long-lasting marriages are made of.

So, where do you put the notes so your spouse finds them throughout the day?

I ran across a great series of articles by Sheri and Bob Stritof listing unique ideas for where to put love notes for your spouse. The articles provide ideas for where to put notes in...

The kitchen, the living room, the bedroom, home office, vehicle, bathroom, garage or storage area, outdoors, or other locations.

For example, when was the last time you Left a love note for your spouse on the sun visor in the car? Or tucked between the towels in the bathroom? Or in the fishing tackle box?

Check out the entire list.

Start giving your marriage an unexpected boost of romance and love. A strong marriage helps a person Serve Strong!

The Power To Save Your Marriage

You want to build a strong marriage?

You want to avoid the pitfalls of an affair?

I read an article today which I thought was excellent. You've GOT to read the entire thing for yourself. Check out some snippets from the article:

"Nearly all marriages would improve dramatically if the wife would overcome her reservations and learn how to satisfy her husband with...conversation."

"Conversation... where each person feels accepted no matter what he or she says, reveals, explains, or feels. Complete openness to another human."

"Just as many men crave intimate sharing with another as do women."

"At Family Dynamics Institute we've discovered that relationship affairs develop as a man and woman begin to listen, understand, and accept the facts and feelings of their lives. They usually start innocently and progress without safety checks or barriers."

"...affairs most often find root in couples who are best friends."

"When husbands and wives allow their spouses to open up their deepest feelings and most sensitive history, deep levels of sharing and understanding will happen."

"There is a crucial difference in disliking what you hear and punishing the person for sharing it."

Read the entire article

The article is written by Joe Beam, a Christian marriage expert who founded Family Dynamics Institute. He has also written the book, Becoming One: Emotionally, Spiritually and Sexually.

Earn A Degree In...Your Spouse

One of the best ways I've found to enhance my relationship with my wife is to become a student of her. It's not an idea unique to me. I don't remember where I got the idea. But it's served me well over the years.

By becoming a student of our spouse, we intentionally try to learn all we can about them and apply that learning to life. For example, in my learning about my wife I discover she likes to read novels while sipping coffee at a coffee shop. That's the nugget of information. Next, I apply it to life by remembering for her birthday to get her a good book and $5.00 gift card to Panera Bread where she can go and get coffee and read on her day off.

The nuggets of information can be anything. Here are some questions to get your creative juices flowing. Have fun with the process!

• What are their favorite TV shows?
• What music do they like?
• What style of clothing to they like?
• How do they like to spend time off?
• What is their favorite candy?
• Favorite holiday?
• What gets them mad?, Happy?
• What are they most afraid of in life?
• How did 911 impact them?
• Do they like snow? Humidity? Fog? Wind?
• Are they a hugger or a hand-shaker?
• Are they a morning person or like to stay up late?
• What is their favorite place to visit?
• Who do they admire?
• Who do they want to be more like?
• What's their favorite color?
• Do they like to be tickled?
• Is their hair naturally curly or straight?
• What kind of shampoo to they use?
• Do they sit close to the steering wheel or far away from it when they drive?
• Are they drawn to organization or creative clutter?
• What household chores to they enjoy? Which ones do they abhor?
• What is their view on capital punishment?
• How dependent are they on their mother?
• What kind of relationship do/did they have with their father?
• Do they still have siblings alive? What place in the birth order are they?
• Do they like their pillows soft or firm?
• Do they like to swim?
• Are their hands always cold or warm?
• What is their vision prescription? Do they prefer contacts or glasses?
• Do they snore?
• What is their going-to-bed routine?
• What is their getting-ready-for-the-day routine?
• Watch how they brush their teeth.
• Watch how they talk with an introvert. An extrovert.
• Watch what their face does when they laugh.
• Do they swing their arms when they walk?

When we are learning about our spouse and apply the learning for greater intimacy, we love & honor them. When we honor them, our marriage is stronger. When our marriage is strong, we can Serve Strong!

Are you a people-helper AND caregiver at the same time?

Working in the people-helping profession is challenging. And if you're also caring for a loved one at the same time, you must be at the top of your game with your own life balance and self-care.

Benton Hospice Service wrote an article called "Caring for an ill loved one? Don't neglect yourself".

The tips & suggestions are very practical and contain good sense.  Here are a few thoughts on their list:

PRACTICALLY, use equipment to help aid you in the process of caregiving, such as...

• A baby monitor, phone, or intercom system
• Over-bed tables for eating & reading
• Hand-held showers, bathseats & nonskid mats to help with bathing
• Grab bars near the toilet or tub

PERSONALLY, take simple steps to stay energized & connected, such as...

• Get enough rest & exercise
• Eat healthy (limit sugar, sodium & fatty foods)
• Learn breathing exercises or meditation techniques to manage stress
• Learn to accept support & encourage from others

For more information, the article points to these websites:

www.caringinfo.org and www.caregiving.org.  Check them out if you're serving others AND caring for an ill loved one.  May God bless you as you continue Serving Strong!

Random acts of romance

Okay, this post is just for the guys out there.

For the most part, we of the male species approach relationships a bit different than our counterparts. We tend to only listen if we're the ones asking the question. We want to fix the problem when all that's needed is a listening ear. We grunt and beat our chests. We're impatient. We want to see hockey players slam up against the glass and lose a front tooth. We want to see two guys beat themselves senseless in a ring before hundreds of cheering onlookers.

Okay, maybe that's a bit harsh for a characterization. But isn't it true that we tend to forget marriage is about romance? I do. From time to time, I confess I have to remember my wife is more than the person who cooks me fish, washes my underwear, and cleans the rugs. She's a person.

So I've been trying my best to remember to add a little romance into our relationship now and then. Here are some "random acts of romance" I've picked up along the way (maybe they'll help jump start your own romance):

• Take some eyeliner or lipstick and write "I love you" on the bathroom mirror (just be sure there's enough left for her to get ready that morning or you'll have another problem!)
• Write a small note of thanks and slip it into one of her socks in the drawer
• Call her midday and tell her you just called to say you love her
• Bring flowers home
• Schedule an evening where you take full responsibility for the kids, chores, dinner, etc. and let her go out with friends or to a coffee shop to read by herself
• Give her a foot massage
• Buy a love poem book and read one to her before you both go to sleep
• Make a habit of looking her in the eye and smiling first thing in the door from work
• Get into the habit of saying, "I understand"
• Get into the habit of saying, "Tell me about your day"
• Listen with your eyes, and body language

Marriages are such an integral part of our ministry to others. When our marriage isn't strong, our effectiveness is impacted. Invest in your marriage. Be guilty of performing "random acts of romance" and you'll be Serving Strong!

Are you learning but never seem to get any smarter?

Ken Blanchard, Paul J. Meyer and Dick Ruhe have published the book, Know Can Do! in which they highlight the obstacles that prevent people from implementing what they learn. These obstacles include:

• Information Overload (too much learning in too little time)
• Negative Filtering (holding onto negative thought processes which prevent an open mind)
• Lack Of Follow-Up (not having a plan to put the new knowledge into action)

I have indicated in previous posts that there are two well-documented realities:

1. First Reality: There is overwhelming evidence that pastors are struggling with burnout, depression, stress, low self-esteem, loneliness, and obesity. Some say is is a result of the very profession pastors are in. They are expected to be all things to all people. Plus they are dealing with people and their struggles.
2. Second Reality: There is an over-abundance of information that addresses burnout, depression, stress, low self-esteem, loneliness, and obesity. I Google'd "stress" the other day resulting in over 285,000,000 hits in 0.5 seconds. The first page of results gave me enough information to learn what good stress is, what bad stress is, what its effect is on my life, and steps I can take to reduce the bad stress from my life.

There is a gap between the struggle pastors face and the resources that sit in bookshelves and websites across the world. The problem is in what the autuhors highlight in Know Can do!

Coaching is the key to filling this gap. With a personal coach, a pastor overcomes the obstacles mentioned above:

• The learning is in smaller bits of information more frequently
• The pastor and coach discover a positive perspective for longer-lasting impact
• The pastor and coach design a follow up plan of action that is do-able

Check out more about what coaching is.

Contact me if you're interested in exploring a coaching benefit for yourself. Learn the art of weaving balance and self-care into the fabric of your ministry.