SERVING STRONG

Nutcrackers and Canoes

This is my 701st blog post since I started blogging in February of 2007. I dedicate it to my kids.

NUTCRACKERS

We climbed into the car and made the hour drive north to a little town called Ashtabula, Ohio. She was attracted by the lure of fantasy, dancing, and a little girl's wonder. I was attracted by the lure of quality time with my best little girlfriend in the whole world. We were on a quest. There was a memory waiting for us. And we were determined to grab it while it flew past.

Side by side we sat in the dark theater as sugarplums danced and toy soldiers pirouetted for our pleasure. We got lost in the wonder of the moment. By the end of the story all was well with the world. She was only a few short years into her lifeline. I was a naive father wet behind the ears. Hand in hand we left the little theater that night, back in the car and in an hour we were back home. Activity: over. Memory: still living on.

CANOES

We climbed into the canoe and paddled the ten minute ride to a little spot on the 8-acre lake. He was attracted by the lure of a live, moving fish on the end of his pole. I was attracted by the quality of time with my best little guy friend in the whole world. We were on a quest. There was a memory waiting for us. And we were determined to grab it while it flew past.

He sat in front; I sat in back as bluegill danced and small-mouth bass pirouetted for our pleasure. We got lost in the wonder of the moment. By the end of that first fishing trip we'd caught 14 fish. He was only a few short years into his lifeline. I was a naive father still wet behind the ears. Side by side we left the little lake that day, canoe in the back of the truck and in 30 minutes we were back home. Activity: over. Memory: still living on.

TO THE YOUNG FATHERS

The little girl who sat beside me in the dark theater is now a college senior. The little boy who sat in front of me in the canoe is now a college freshman. Still a naive father wet behind the ears, I no longer journey with ballets and boats, but with career choices and college dorms.

And before I grab the hand of my wife of over 25 years and take the breath-taking leap off this wonderful and uncertain cliff called Empty Nest, I want you young fathers to know one thing:

The ACTIVITY will be over in an instant. The MEMORY will last a lifetime.

Don't waste the activity or you will regret the memory. Time is not on your side. It's a rushing wind. You must reach out and grab the "dark theaters" and the "canoes" as they pass by at the blink of an eye. If you don't they.will.be.gone.forever. Your father-influence is at stake. Don't ever let your concept of "professional ministry" rob you of Nutcrackers and Canoes.

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RELATED POSTS:

The Swings Will Be Empty

You Are Here

Ministry Then Family

Grass Is Always Greener

"The grass is always greener..."

I have an idea what likely went through your mind. You finished out the saying, didn't you? Something like "...on the other side of the fence", huh? If you did, you were right. According to DeProverbio.com:

"This proverb...expresses the only too human idea of discontent, envy, and jealousy in a metaphor which is easily understood. Interestingly enough, the proverb is also literally true as has been demonstrated by James Pomerantz in a scientific article on "'The Grass is always Greener': An Ecological Analysis of an Old Aphorism" (1983). This scholar proves that optical and perceptual laws alone will make the grass at a distance look greener to the human eye than the blades of grass perpendicular to the ground."

Did you catch that? It's an illusion. A trick of the eye.

So it's true. Blades of grass truly DO look greener... at a distance. May I repeat? Grass looks greener at a distance.

Opposite of Distance? Nearness

Who, or what, do you find in your "Nearness" (God. Your spouse. Your kids. Your current assignment in ministry, ...)?

So, what is missing about your Nearness that you are entertaining the "Distance"? What has you so captivated from the illusive Distance that you are willing to give up your precious Nearness? Or flip the question upside down: When was the last time you were so present in your Nearness that you saw, for the first time, something new and wonderful about God, about your spouse, about your kids, about your assignment that the Distance didn't even matter to you?

Forfeit your Nearness and you run the risk of finding yourself in the Distance, nose to nose with illusion (and disappointment).

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The Swings Will Be Empty

So you're a ministry leader, huh? Got lots of people looking to you for vision and direction. Strategy, planning, motivation, inspiration -- these are the tools of your trade. You love the feeling of being part of something bigger than yourself. You get excited when the organization moves forward, taking ground that was once lost to Satan. Progress is your middle name. You are a mover, a shaker. You make things happen. You won't rest until God's purpose is fulfilled through you.

Let me as a question:

Are you a parent?

With all you are doing to build God's Kingdom, don't neglect the little ones under your roof. Before you know it, the chatter in the house will give way to silence. The car seats will be sold at a garage sale for a fraction of what they cost originally. The homework assignments will all be completed. And the swings will be empty.

Many ministry leaders don't understand that the raising of their kids is just as important (some argue more important) as leading adults to build the Kingdom.

Read this list of 7 ways to be an effective parent, by Kelli Mahoney:

1. Know Who You Are
2. Talk To Your Kids
3. Listen To Your Kids
4. Offer Choices
5. Do As I Say And I Do
6. Discuss Your Faith
7. Be The Parent

Click to read the entire article

How do you weave your parenting into the fabric of your ministry leadership?

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You Are Here

It’s true. It’s always true. You will perpetually be here.

Not there.

Not anywhere else… but here.

 

We each own a “here”. We got it the moment we were conceived. We carry it everywhere we go. When we go there, we take our “here” and when we are there, we’re here. Truth is, we ARE here. It defines us. It’s all we ever have… here. 

 

Get it?

 

Some people don’t treat their “here” very well. They shun their “here”. They ignore their “here” and think of things like

…Future worries

…Past mistakes

…Trinkets, trials and troubles

 

But our “here” needs attention. We must feed it to be successful and fulfilled.  As life coaches, we know it as being “present in the moment”.  A couple examples:

…On the carpet putting legos together with your 8 year old son

…Gazing into your spouse’s eyes across the dinner table

…Lost in the wonder of a phrase that jumped out from scripture

 

Start paying attention to your “here” and you notice something wonderful happens. Life will come alive. Life will deepen. Life will make more sense. Life will fulfill. All because you will find God in your “here”.

 

How do you treat your “here”?

 

End Note: Thanks to http://www.chrisbrogan.com for inspiration on this post.

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Ten Questions Of Strength

[the following is an update of a Feb 28, 2010 post]

So you lead others, huh? How's that working out for you? Are you sure about how your leadership is going? When we are weak, our leadership is weak. When we are strong our leadership is strong.

Here are 10 questions you can ask yourself to do a quick check (the more "yes" answers, the better):

1. Am I free from any unresolved conflict with others?
2. Do I take care of my physical well-being (remembering doctor's recommendations)?
3. Am I eating a well balanced, healthy diet including fruits and vegetables?
4. Do I spend a good amount of time each week sitting quietly, listening to the heartbeat of God for my life?
5. Do I stop at least once per week and review my priorities and goals; celebrate wins; and strategize next steps?
6. Am I working at quality connections with my spouse and children?
7. Am I actively pursuing meaningful relationships with friends and family members?
8. Do I have a plan to get, any remain, out of debt?
9. Do I know what my passion, personality, and proficiencies are (any am I engaged most of my waking hours honoring these?
10. Would God be pleased with the internet history file on my computer?

My prayer is for strong leadership on your behalf. Don't neglect who you are as you serve others.

What other questions have you used to ensure your inner strength?

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Ministry Then Family? (update #1)

On January 24, 2010 I posed a question to you: "Which comes first, ministry or family?" (Click to read the original post)

Many of you commented - directly on this blog, in Twitter replies, Facebook comments and direct email messages to me (any thank you so much for providing such incredible insight!) There was an interesting result as comments began to accumulate. Two overarching themes began to surface:

Theme One: Linear Progression. Family first, then ministry. After all, we are setting an example for the span of care God gave us, right? "A healthy ministry is largely built upon the foundation of a healthy pastoral family", one person commented. "Ministry begins at home," wrote another.

A variation on this theme was to put GOD first, then family, then ministry. One comment said, "It depends, do what is pleasing to God in the moment." This places God above both family and ministry.

Theme Two: Mixture. God AND family as two elements cohabiting the same "space".  Kinda like gasoline and air mixing in a carburetor to propel a vehicle forward. "Prioritizing things 'first' and 'second'...pits kingdom versus family. The work of the kingdom (whether that's 'ministry' or 'family') belongs to Him," said one.

Same variation on this theme as Theme One above: God is at the head. Then, based on His desires and our obedience, we will fulfill ministry needs or family needs. We get our direction from Him. But sometimes the distinction between when it's appropriate to attend to family and when to attend to ministry gets blurred. Just ask Abraham what it was like to raise the knife above his son.

Regardless of the themes, one common element stands out: Family is vital to ministry. Family provides stability. It provides a sort of protection from the demands of ministry. It saves from the sin of adultery. Additionally, the family helps in leadership. The folks at the Francis Schaeffer Institute of Church Leadership Development conducted a poll in 2005 of 2,245+ pastors and concluded, among other things, that many pastors, "...have not learned to balance family and ministry or adequately deal with the immense struggles of the job. This, many are not able to lead their church where it needs to go..." (Click here for the entire report)

I'm interested in your thoughts as we delve further into this "Ministry / Family" topic.

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QUESTION:

What habits do you employ to keep your family strong as you pursue kingdom ministry?

Ministry Then Family?

Ministry <<<< >>>> Family

Which comes first? Which comes second? Are pastors and leaders called to meet the leadership needs of the flock before their own family's needs? Or do the roles of spouse and parent override parishioners?

I believe some of the burnout that pastors and other ministry leaders experience is because of a misunderstanding of the answer to these key questions.

I need your help. What are YOUR thoughts on the subject? Does family come before ministry? Or does ministry trump the home?

Your comments may help enlighten others who have a real struggle with this issue.

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The Scenery Is Beautiful But...

Over the holidays we visited extended family. During the visit we gathered around a laptop to view a bunch of old, historical family slides which had been scanned and put on a CD Rom.

We laughed at the fashion statements. We wondered if so-and-so was still alive. We mused at the hairstyles. We chuckled at the faces. We even cried as we came across a slide of a beloved family member we lost to cancer a few years back.

I noticed something.

The slides were a mix of scenery and people. When we got to a scenic picture, whether a majestic mountain range or beautiful forest, we quickly went to the next slide with someone's face in it. We were glossing over the scenery and getting to what we valued: people.

When it all comes down to it, WHO we have around us is much more than WHAT locations we were able to capture on film ("film" now I'm dating myself!) I'm not against scenery pictures. I always love a good metaphor. But when I want to remember what's really important, give me pictures of loved ones.

Are you spending too much time looking at your "scenery" (for instance, time on Twitter, Facebook, blogging, etc.) at the expense of human interaction? When was the last time you logged out of the computer and logged into the life of someone close?

We need each other. Those with robust community Serve Strong!

What do YOU think? (add your comments or thoughts)

Raising Kids

Here are three resources to check out as you have time. They are designed to help you augment your efforts at raising your kids as you continue working with people in your profession:

Christianity Today (Parenting)
Resource yourself for better parenting

Christian Fathers
Legacy, leadership, finances and time

Christian Mommies
Parenting information, Christian support
and online friendships

You may find a list of free downloads and other links on the Serving Strong resource page.

NOTE:  Although Serving Strong provides these resources, it may not condone or agree with
everything contained therein.

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Weak Tips

From observations, reading, coaching client interactions, I've compiled a list of surefire ways to maintain weakness in service to others:

1. Stay In Debt. Use credit cards like they are going out of style. Then justify your expenditures with a phrase like, "I've got to build up my credit score."
2. Serve Alone. This will take a little more work for the outgoing, people-oriented. But do your best to engage in ministry without any regard for leaning on the strength, perspective, and assistance of others. You are all you need.
3. Serve Exclusively. Even though you have a number of plates (marriage, parenting, fitness, spiritual growth) forget all that. Your work in helping OTHERS is paramount. If that means neglecting your spouse, kids, health, or walk with God - so be it. The work must be done. Give, give, and give some more. It's the only way.
4. Stop Learning. That's right. You know just enough to be dangerous. Get out there and do the work of a servant. Experience is all you need. Some people believe in 10 years of learning. Not you, 1 year of learning 10 times is good enough. Plus, when you invest in yourself, that's that much more time you could be out there doing the work.

There. That should help get you started. I'm sure there are other tips you can add to the list. Perhaps you may even take the time from your busy schedule to comment on the post (but not if it means helping someone else out - that would mean they would learn. And we don't want that!)

This un-message brought to you by Serving Strong (and, no, the picture is not of me - although I would probably look worse!)

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Parenting Resources

When you're in the people-helping profession, you are more than just a people helper. Many of you are also a spouse, household financial manger, sibling, adult child of an aging parent, and parent (to name just a few hats!)

If you've had children or adopted them, or even agreed to be a surrogate parent to an orphan, you owe it to yourself and your child to be the best parent you can be. Raising kids isn't easy but it's rewarding. It's the toughest job you'll ever love. Once a parent, always a parent.

I want to resource you along the lines of raising kids. To that end, I've requested resources from some of my Twitter followers and others. Here is just a sampling of what you can review. My objective is to encourage you to do a little research into the role of parenting. Stop leaving everything to chance.

Ministry To Children of the ME Generation

Momsense by Christianity Today

Faith Begins At Home

Gentle Christian Mothers

Parenting by Crosswalk

All About Christian Parenting

The Christian Parent

One idea: Paint a picture of a future date of your child's first day at college. They are all moved into their dorm room. You've said your goodbyes. You are driving away. Ask yourself: WHAT 3 QUALITIES DO I WANT MY CHILD TO HAVE INSTILLED IN THEM THAT WILL GUIDE THEIR DECISIONS WHILE THEY ARE AWAY FROM HOME? Then guide your daily interactions according to that vision.

Raising kids as a people helpers is part of Serving Strong!

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Too Much Of A Good Thing

Today is a special day for Americans. Freedom is celebrated all across the country. The staple of the celebration: Fireworks.

It's a beautiful thing to behold fireworks when they burst from the earth and explode in the sky with an array of colors and sound. They have evoked "Ohhh"s and "Awww"s from children and adults for years.

It's also a dangerous thing when fireworks go wrong. The picture in this post apparently is what happens when a homemade firework meets the human hand.

Fireworks: A paradox of beauty and danger.

Working with people: A paradox of a satisfying career and burnout.

You are a people helpers. You labor in the craft of others' burdens. You are problem solvers. You feel others' pain. How do you keep this tremendous callling from eroding into burnout? I suggest 4 habits:

1) Spin. Be sure your plates (Christ follower, spouse, parent, financial, relational, physical, etc.) are spinning with approriate speed and attention.

2) Swing. Be sure to go full out in your work AND go full in to rest and recreate. Remember, it's not so much that you rest from your work as it is you work from your rest.

3) Align. Be sure to spend most of your waking hours engaged in where your passion lies and where your skills are used.

4) Center. Start each day in a posture of brokenness before the God who calls you and stay in that posture the remainder of the day.

Spin, Swing, Align, and Center. These are the habits which help you keep your profession beautiful without burning out.  Serve Strong!

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Accountability 101

Pastors set their own hours. The profession offers a lot of time alone for planning and thought. Although this sounds like a dream job, temptations run rampant.

Are you serious about remaining morally strong? Have you considered setting up your own personal accountability system but don't know where to start? Perhaps you are doing fine right now but you lack a "fence" of consistency to stay the course and finish strong. If that describes your situation, you are invited to join a phone presentation to gain ideas on how to begin the process. You will hear from Scott Couchenour, Certified Life Coach, who will share concepts and practical ideas to help increase your chances for sustainable success over temptation. Time permitting, he will take a couple of your questions.

The call is free*. It's simple (you can call from the convenience of your own home or office). Your name will not be shared.

Date:      Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Time:      1:00 pm (EDT)
Duration: 30-60 minutes

If you are interested, email [email protected] and put "accountability" in the subject line to receive the dial-in number and conference code.

Space is limited so act today to reserve your seat.

* Your only cost is any long distance charge

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Life Fitness

Recumbant bikes, treadmills, stair-steppers. These are all the tools of the physical fitness world. People join YMCAs and other fitness companies all across the world to stay fit.

But have you ever considered fitness in other areas of your life? Consider the following areas and ask youself how fit you are? What tools do you need to stay fit in each area? What is your "exercise routine" for each area?

Spiritual Fitness

Marital Fitness

Parental Fitness

Financial Fitness

Interpersonal Fitness

Mental Fitness

Vocational Fitness

Work on the fitness in all of your life's areas and you''ll be Serving Strong!

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What's Your Code Of Honor?

I'm currently reading a book by Blair Singer entitled, The ABC's of Building A Business Team That Works.  As VP of Operations of Cogun, Inc. I am helping to coach teams to be successful.  One concept I thought was helpful in the life of a people helper is captured in the following quote from the book:

"Every family and every marriage goes through trying times. The code or the rules keep them united. Otherwise kids go off and make their own decisions, which may not be in their best interest. Spouses can get distracted or stressed, and under pressure they may say and do things that they regret later. The code is the set of agreements and rules that force you to be the person that you agreed you wanted to be in a sane and logical moment."

What's your code of honor for your family? For you marriage? If you don't have one, perhaps today is a good day to sit everyone down and hammer out how you will communicate with each other.  Here are 5 rules between Singer and his wife which he shares in his book:

Communicate daily no matter where I am in the world (Singer travels a lot)

Stick with all disagreements until they are resolved

Study together

Keep your agreements

Commit to personal development and education

Having a code is not a bad idea. It may just help you Serve Strong!

Accountability In Action

It's Tuesday morning and I just read a Covenant Eyes accountability report on a friend.  I was asked to be his accountability partner and glad to do it.  I receive his reports on a weekly basis.  As I read down through the report, I am pleased to see,

"no unusual activity this reporting period"

"no high scoring web searches"

"no web sites blocked by the Covenant Eyes Filter"

"no high scoring sites visited during the reporting period"

These are the things I like to see from those who ask me to hold them accountable.  PLUS, I have my own report going to my own accountability partner and I'm glad they too are seeing the same phrases in my accountability report.

Are you using Covenant Eyes yet?  If you aren't, you need to be.  The internet is an incredibly wonderful and devastating thing.  If used right, it can bring a lot of helpful information as you pursue your people helping.  If used wrong, it can destroy all you've worked to achieve.

Serving Strong is an affiliate of Covenant Eyes.  If you sign up using PromoCode: ServingStrong, your first month is free.  But the great thing is, it's not that expensive anyway.  If you want to start surfing safely, here's the link to get started:

GET COVENANT EYES

Safe surfing is part of Serving Strong in your peopl-helping profession!

Leader At Home

Linda Lewis Griffith wrote a piece on SanLuisObispo.com about parenting.  At the end of her article, she lists a few great ideas for effective parenting.  If you are a people helper AND parent, these might be what you need:

• Act like a leader.

• Create and enforce clear policies for your household. 

• Make tough decisions even when they are not popular.

• Communicate effectively. 

• Elicit others’ input.

• Learn to negotiate. 

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE

Parenting is a wonderfully, draining role.  Learn to be effective and you'll be Serving Strong! 

Your Kids, Their Money

You're a people helper.  You're also a parent.  Serving strong involves raising kids right when it comes to money.  What are you doing to instill sound financial habits in your kids?  What kind of view do they have of money?

Fortunately, there is a great resource by Dave Ramsey.  It's called Junior's Clubhouse.  It can help you, the parent, teach your kids how to manage money early.  Here are a couple things you're find if you visit the Clubhouse:

• Games
• Jigsaw puzzles
• A sample book
• A parent's room with helpful information

CLICK HERE TO VISIT JUNIOR'S CLUBHOUSE

Serving Strong (tm) is here to provide resources to help.  You help other people.  Don't let your parenting role suffer along the way.

How To Make A Good Decision

Each day we wake to a new set of hundreds (perhaps thousands) of choices.  Since our time, energy, and resources are limited, we must make the best choices at each fork in the road.  This is the essence of pursuing excellence.  It's also a key to living in balance.  Choices impact our role as people helper, spouse, parent, and so on.  Choices impact our life areas such as our career, finances, physical health, spiritual health, and so on.

But how do I know I'm making the right decisions each time?

For example, if I'm on the floor at home playing with my two young children in the evening and I get a call on my work phone, how do I know if I should take the call?  The answer is partly based on your objectives; your masterplan.  Let me explain...

Choices Based On Objectives

Consider the evening call as an example.  But this time, instead of simply being on the floor playing with your children, you have determined what the kids really need is a relationship with you.  You understand a relationship with them now will help when they reach the turbulent teen years.  So instead of just killing time with the kids, you are intentionally developing this relationship with them via, say, a lego building exercise.  Now you get that call on your work phone.  A choice must still be made.  Do you pause your relationship-building time to take a work-related call?  Or do you let the call go to voicemail and check it after the kids go to bed?  The choice is still yours.  But a good choice will be made when it's based upon your objectives.

We make choices on a whim when there are no objectives or masterplan to guide us.  We are swayed by the winds of "I ought to do this" or "I ought to do that."  And many people end up imbalanced in their work and life.

Start designing your objectives; your masterplan.  It's the the key to Serving Strong!

Note:  Email me ([email protected]) for your free coaching session.  If you're serious about making the best decisions this new year, experience how life coaching can benefit you as you design your own personal masterplan.

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A Reading Relationship

Raising kids is a wonderful & terrifying thing at the same time.  How do we know we're doing alright?  What will the kids turn out like?  Will we think of everything to do when they need our parental guidance?

There is one thing that will make a huge difference in how well you will do as a parent:  It's your ability to develop a relationship with your child.  With a deep, abiding relationship, your chances of weathering the storms of teenage-dom are greater.  How do we develop this relationship?  Many ways.  Reading together is one such way.

If you're looking for some great books to use as tools to build a relationship with your preschooler, check out this article by Denise Oliveri, "7 Great Bible Storybooks for Preschoolers."  Perhaps you know someone who is a parent of a preschooler and you're not sure what to get them for Christmas.  Denise lists 7 books you could get them.

Raising kids is part of your life as a people helper.  The more informed you are, the better parent you can be.  And this enhances your ability to Serve Strong!

Surfing Your Values (part 3)

Check out Part 1
Check out Part 2

I am linking to a series of posts on the Breaking Free Blog put out by the folks at Covenant Eyes.  They are highlighting Daniel Lohrmann's "Seven Habits of Online Integrity," from his book, Virtual Integrity: Faithfully Navigating the Brave New Web.

Here are the rest of the 7 Habits:

Habit #4: Apply Helpful Technology

Lohrman identifies three broad categories of current technology:  Computer security, Web filtering software, and Accountability software.  All three of these types of software promote a safe online experience.  Some websites are ideal places for you to learn about the different technology options.

Habit #5: Balance Online and Offline Life

Because we live in this Internet age, there is always the risk of spending too much time online in a way that hinders our growth mentally, physically, socially, and emotionally. Taking a brief look around youth culture, for example, one can see a host of time-consuming, compulsive, and unbalanced uses of technology.

Habit #6: Practice Humble Authenticity

Lohrman suggests three ways to practice humble authenticity as we work to surf our values: Conduct honest self-examination, stay away from the "virtual cliffs" in cyberspace, and surft your true identity.

Habit #7: Become a cyber ambassador for good

We belong to another coming kingdom.  That kingdom's values are very different from this world's.  Our power, recognition, status, pleasure, and wealth are totally redefined by our relationship to the King, Jesus Christ.

This post is just the beginning.  To read the entire post on Covenant Eyes' blog, CLICK HERE.

Note: I have tagged this post in many of the Serving Strong blog categories intentionally.  Because internet integrity touches so many of our facets of life.  When we are surfing with integrity we are Serving Strong!

CLICK HERE

to get your first month free with Covenant Eyes' accountability software

(Promo Code: Serving Strong)

Choosing A Teen Bible

As a people-helper, your role as parent is vital.  Raising your kids in these days requires diligence and perseverance.  One thing you can do is keep the Bible in front of them.  If you are a parent of a teen you may be looking for something to buy them for Christmas.  Consider a Bible.  But what Bible should you choose?

Denise Oliveri offers some tips in her article, "Tips for Choosing A Teen Bible".  Oliveri says that "choosing a teen Bible means that your child has grown to need more biblical teaching than in the younger years."

CLICK HERE FOR THE FULL ARTICLE

Keep your parenting strong and you'll be Serving Strong!

How To Raise A Bitter Child

Shaun Marksbury posted an interesting list on his blog, www.gospelliving.blogspot.com.  In it, he refers to a conversation between Todd Friel and Kirk Cameron regarding Christian parenting.  Shaun highlighted some points discussed in that conversation.  I will highlight the first 3:

1. Spoil him. Give him everything he wants, even more than you can afford—just charge it—so you can get him off your back.
2. When he does wrong, nag him a little, but don’t spank him.
3. Foster his dependence on you. Don’t teach him to be independently responsible; maintain his dependence on you, so later on, drugs and alcohol can replace you when he’s older.
4. ...CLICK TO READ THE ENTIRE POST

When we continue to learn best practices as parents, we are better able to Serve Strong!

Write A Book, Leave A Legacy

Ever wonder how you can make a difference in your kids' lives that will long outlast you?  Here's an idea to consider.  Try writing a devotional book.  One of my coaching clients has a book like that from her mother and raves at how precious it is to have in her adult life.

Don't think you're a writer?  Of course you are.  If you have ideas, you can write.  You may not be the next Nicholas Sparks.  But you're leaving a legacy.  A collection of memories.  Here are some tips:

• Write down a praise verse
• Write three things you praise God for
• Write a prayer for them based on the content of the verse
• Include an experience from your childhood that pertains to the topic
• Keep each day's devotional to one page (perhaps just a couple paragraphs)
• Start by trying to get one month's worth.  Then another until you have 365
• Publish your own book (visit www.blurb.com)

This is something you could consider as a Christmas gift.  You may not be done by December 25 this year.  But you could provide them with a working copy of your work so far.

The important thing is to make a difference in your kids' lives.  Do that and you'll be building a strong family.  With a strong family you are able to Serve Strong!

Surfing Your Values (part 2)

I posted a comment on November 19, 2008.  This is a follow up to that post.

I am linking to a series of posts on the Breaking Free Blog put out by the folks at Covenant Eyes.  They are highlighting Daniel Lohrmann's "Seven Habits of Online Integrity," from his book, Virtual Integrity: Faithfully Navigating the Brave New Web.

Habit #1:  Refresh Your Values in Cyberspace

The first step to surfing our values is remembering what our values are and realizing that they should apply to the Internet as well.  So what are your offline values? What would you label a “good” character quality?  How do your online behaviors match up?

Habit #2:  Pledge Personal Online Integrity

Creating a pledge for Internet use is not something just for protecting children: it is something every adult ought to do.  This personal pledge doesn’t need to be complicated or overly detailed.  One of the best ways to guard children from Internet pitfalls is by setting a standard for them by the way WE live as adults.

Habit #3:  Seek Trusted Accountability

Once we’ve committed to online integrity, it only makes sense that we set up some system of accountability.  Share the details of our pledge with trusted friends or family members, giving them permission to ask you to give an account of your commitment.  Whatever you do, involve someone else in the process who will show you tough love and always challenge you to the standards you have set.

CLICK HERE TO READ THE ENTIRE POST FROM BREAKING FREE BLOG

Note: I have tagged this post in many of the Serving Strong blog categories intentionally.  Because internet integrity touches so many of our facets of life.  When we are surfing with integrity we are Serving Strong!

The Single Greatest Parental Duty

What is a parent to do?  In an age of unprecedented immorality and temptations, there is one activity parents must engage in that is head and shoulders above any other activity - prayer.

This is a re-post of a prayer outline posted on this blog in February of 2007 but it's still as important as ever.  It's a prayer adapted from Bill Hybels' "Becoming A Contagious Christian" resource.  Adapt it, change it, use it - but don't stop praying for your kids as you continue to pursue your calling in ministry:

FOR THEM

Draw them toward you. Open their eyes to the emptiness of life w/o you. Help them see their need for forgiveness. Remove any confusion they have about you and the life you offer. Help them grasp the meaning and importance of your cross & resurrection. Open their hearts to your love and truth. Bind the enemy from attacking them in their minds and spirits. Continually renew them through a broken-ness of heart.

FOR ME

Help me live a consistent and attractive Christian life. Help me create & maintain a lifestyle that allows for sufficient mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual space for time with them. Make me authentically and honestly deal with life's ups and downs. Give me wisdom in knowing how to approach the relationship. Expand my knowledge so I will be ready to define and defend the Gospel. Grant me appropriate boldness and courage. Use me to help lead them into a deep & vibrant relationship with you.

FOR US

Cause depth and trust to grow in our relationship. Open doors for spiritual conversations. Guide those conversations in pace, frequency, and content. Give me wisdom and insight to perceive what they are really saying when we interact. Give me courage and boldness to respond proactively for their ultimate spiritual good.

OTHERS

Cause the interactions with friends, adults, teachers, upperclassmen, younger kids, coaches, teammates, and family to continually point them to You. Protect them from anyone who will come in contact with them and intentionally or unintentionally hurt them or mislead them in any way. If necessary, use the difficult times to teach them to put their hope & trust in you.

l PRAY THAT THEY (Col 1:9-14) ...

• Know Your Will
• Live a worthy, pleasing life
• Bear fruit
• Grow in You
• Live in Your strength
• Have endurance & patience
• Live in joyful gratitude
• Claim their secure inheritance
• Embrace freedom

They are your kids, Father. Guide me as their steward.

Praying for our kids while we help others is what it means to Serve Strong!

photo credit

The Election Can Help You Be A Better Parent

Apparently, not everyone is pleased with the election results for our next President.  There are instances where churches are posting negative signs about Obama.  These are derogatory and nasty.  No matter what your political affiliation, I believe you would agree that these sorts of messages are unnecessary.

The folks at Christian Parenting Daily believe this sort of news is a great way to start conversations with your kids.  It's actually an opportunity to discuss values and love as Christ designed.

Check out the entire article for more insight into this way to engage your kids in this atmosphere.

When we have strong kids, we are better able to Serve Strong!

photo credit

Surfing Your Values

I subscribe to Covenant Eyes.  It's an online accountability software program that monitors all my online activity.  I have an accountability partner who review an activity report on a weekly basis.  I do not intend to surf the internet for sites that are questionable.  But I want to be extremely cautious as I do my work of blogging, internet research, and website maintenance.  Having that element of accountability honors our God-given design to serve in community rather than as an island.

I HIGHLY recommend that you make the same investment.  Here where you do that.

Covenant Eyes has a companion blog called Breaking Free.  I have found the posts to be very informative and helpful as I navigate this online world of ours.  One recent post discusses part of Daniel Lohrmann’s book, Virtual Integrity, called Seven Habits of Online Integrity.

Here's a quote from Lohrmann:

“I’d like to offer you seven habits to faithfully navigate the brave new Web, which will hopefully become regular practices in your life. One goal of this list is to establish a basic framework for individuals to surf their values. . . . These are action-oriented disciplines that strive to be “non-techie,” easy to understand, and flexible to implement based upon need.”

Watch this video:

I will be following this list of posts as they come out.  I suggest you follow along as well.

Incidentally, I have tagged this post in many of the Serving Strong blog categories intentionally.  Because internet integrity touches so many of our facets of life.  When we are surfing with integrity we are Serving Strong!

Great Posts On Parenting

Family Life has some great information and tools that will help you be the best parent you can be as you serve in your compassion field.  Here are a couple links:

Better Parenting

Family & Culture

Continually brushing up on your parenting skills is part of what's behind your ability to Serve Strong!

Daddy Dates

I follow a blog authored, in part, by Brent Carl.  Check out his account of a particular date he had with his daughter recently.

Dates with our kids are SO VITAL to developing a relationship with them.  This relationship will be needed as they grow up and hit turbulent times.  When your child reaches, say, 7th grade, you will be glad you banked a lot of positive experiences from which to draw.  It will help you navigate these times.  It will serve you well as they grow on to college too (which will be tomorrow, if you're not watching!)

Having dates with your kids is part of Serving Strong!

pic link

The Parenting Pyramid

Raising kids in today's world is quite invigorating.  Our little bundles of joy are a mix of pleasure and frustration.  They can sap our energy on minute.  The next minute they bring us such satisfaction.  How do we raise them?  How do we know we are doing the right thing?

The answers don't come easy.  There are a lot of resources available on the subject.  I've tried to bring those to this blog as I become aware of them.  One such resource is from the Arbinger Institute.  The Arbinger Institute has developed a resource that can help you in raising your children.

You can ask one of two types of questions:

"What do I do, now that things have gone wrong?"  or

"How do I help things go right?"

The folks at Arbinger dig into this in detail in their free publication for download, The Parenting Pyramid.  Perhaps it can help assist you in your parenting role.

Visit the download page.

Visit the Arbinger Institute.

Raising kids properly is a huge part of Serving Strong!

Family In Transition

Your family will most likely go through difficult transitions.  This creates a problem with schedules of those in the family.  This takes its toll on children.  Marji Peterson (marriage and family therapist intern, REACH Adoption Social Worker with Aspiranet) points out that,

"Transitions can be difficult for children in general, and particularly difficult for children who have experienced the loss of a primary caretaker through divorce, illness, or death, or placement in foster care due to maltreatment."

Family tension increases during these times.  Peterson shares some tips for parents during periods of transition.  Here are a few:

• Plan nurturing activities
• Share the joy with your children
• Talk to your child
• Build self-care into your life as a parent.

Read the entire article for more tips and greater detail.

Develop a healthy way to deal with challenging transitions in the home and you'll be Serving Strong!

Your Kids And Culture

How do we keep the culture from swallowing up our kids?

Dennis Rainey talks with Teen Mania President Ron Luce about the pervading culture that's luring our kids away from their faith. Hear Ron and his daughter, Charity, talk about some of the issues, like modesty and purity, that every teen must grapple with.

Visit the site and listen.  Your effective parenting is a component of your Serving Strong!

Note: pic from www.familylife.com

The One Thing That Hinders Effective Service

Scott Hughes talks about 3 common unhealthy activities - one of which I'd like to highlight in this post.

The Television.

Scott Hughes considers it possibly the "worst addiction in society" because it engulfs so many people so much of the time.  Hours and hours of time are wasted while we sit idly in front of the TV as our minds stew aimlessly and our bodies increasingly get weak and fat.  I agree (although I'm talking to myself here as much as to you, since I've been known to waste a few hours here and there watching mindless drivel :))

So, what is YOUR television viewing habit?  How much time do YOU spend watching?  Perhaps there's an acceptable amount of TV for the TV to briefly "escape" from the pressures of people helping.  But just imagine how much more time we can devote to the other areas of our life if we get up, turn it off, and walk out of the TV room (quality time with our spouse, time with kids, yard work, calling a good friend, encouraging a neighbor, studying God's Word, reading a book on our particular calling, exercising....)?

Regulate the amount of TV time for maximum impact and you'll be Serving Strong!

Note:  image from www.gadgetaddict.com

Who Benefits From Your Growth?

Each August, Shaker Woods is an event which takes place near where I live.  It's a collection of craft booths, primitive entertainment, and food.  It all takes place in a wooded area.  We've gone to walk along the pebble stone pathways and look at various crafts, eat some kettle corn, etc.

Interesting are the various garage sales and craft tents that line the roads leading to the location of the Shaker Woods.  These are ordinary people trying to sell their wares to the masses who travel the the Woods.  In essence they are riding on the popularity of the Shaker Woods event, trying to benefit from it.

You are growing at some rate in your personal life (I hope).  Do you realize the impact you are having on those in your span of care?  Do you understand how your personal growth indirectly (or often directly) impact the personal growth of someone close to you?  For example, say you are truly learning the keys to being more patient.  Imagine what you are doing to model patience to your kids as they learn how to deal with their friends.

We are always being watched.  Influence is inevitable.  That means when we grow personally, we are "raising the water in the harbor for all the ships."  Kind of creates a greater sense of urgency to our personal growth, doesn't it?

Keep growing personally and you'll be Serving Strong!

Your Kids Enthusiastic About Returning To School?

This time of year, it always amazes me how quickly the time flies through summer.  I heard of a school in Arizona that starts in early to mid August!  When I was growing up in was always September.

So are your kids enthusiastic about going back to school?  According to The Lone Tree Voice, parents have the ability to model optimism and enthusiasm for their kids in day-to-day tasks that are often considered tedious, such as household chores.  And if they can do this with chores, why not homework?  Read the entire article entitled, "Routines help with back-to-school transition".

Our kids look up to us (believe it or not).  Our modeling happens whether we want it to or not.  What are you modeling for your kids as they go back to school this Fall?

Parenting = modeling.  It's crucial to remember in Serving Strong!

Losing Influence Over Your Pre-Teen?

Tim Stevens in LeadingSmart.com posted a great article RE raising kids.  It seems from some informal research he did,

"...the age at which the parents' influence drops dramatically happens somewhere around 13- to 15-years old..."

So, what are you doing to influence your kids who have not yet reached that age?

Tim offers a few suggestions, the best of which include

• Stop lecturing and start listening
• Stop giving direction and start asking questions

Read the entire article.

You may help other people in your profession.  But if you are a parent, you have an obvious responsibility sitting right there in your own house.  Raising kids is a part of Serving Strong!

Parenting, Naturally

As a person to serves people, the role as parent can be a mixed bag of joy and frustration.  Any help from a Christian perspective is a welcome breath of fresh air.

Well, I think I've found another great source of help in this regard.  The folks at Natural Christian Parenting have a heart to help encourage, educate, and share information about living all out for Christ.

Check out their site for more information and add their insights to your own personal growth plan.

Continue learning how to be the best parent and you'll be Serving Strong!

Serving Others... Raising Kids

Kyle Idleman is a teaching pastor at Southeast Christian Church in Louisville, Kentucky.  He also is married with 4 children.  Kids who are raised in a ministry home and who are now in ministry themselves have a unique perspective on the relationship of church life and family life.

Kyle shares some tremendous thoughts on raising kids while you're are serving in direct ministry.  Here are a few of his thoughts on raising kids in this context:

• Consistently life the faith
• Own your failures
• Encourage their character
• Be consistently positive about the church
• Include the family in the adventure

Read the entire article.

Raising kids in the ministry home is challenging.  These thoughts should help you as you continue to Serve Strong!

The Way THEY Should Go

I read a quote in the April 2008 issue of the Christianity Today magazine. It was from Khaled Hosseini in his work, The Kite Runner:

"Children aren't coloring books. You don't get to fill them with your favorite colors."

How often do we, as parents, impose on our children OUR ideas about who they should be? I struggled with that from time to time as our kids were growing up. I know we are in a position to help guide their thinking. But when we make them become who WE want them to be, without any wiggle room for them to discover for themselves who GOD made THEM to be, it's like trying to color them with our favorite colors. The result? Rebellion.

Instead, become a student of your student. How has God uniquely packaged them? What do they love? What do they dislike? What are their fears? Are they drawn to music, sports, academia? People-oriented? Task-oriented? (See Proverbs 22.6)

Allow your children to be who they were meant to be, with your loving, parental guidance and you'll be Serving Strong!

Parental Decision-Making

Each day we are faced with numerous decisions. Some decisions are quite inconsequential (Which way should I drive to the office? what shirt should I wear? Etc.) Other decisions have a profound and lasting impact on us. We live with these decisions for a long time (Should I buy that car? Where do we send our kids to college? Should I confront that person about their bad behavior? Etc.)

Wrestling with decisions in our role as parents is extremely important. We are faced with challenges of varying degree and intensity. The decisions depend on the ages of our kids. The teenage years tend to be the season with the most emotion. In the moment of decisions as a parent, it's important to make the right decisions.

How does a parent know they are making the right decisions with their kids?

The truth is, we don't always know until days, weeks, or even years later. But here's one way to put it in perspective: The next time you are faced with a decision, ask yourself this question: "What decision will I most likely look back and be glad I made?"

For example, let's say your son asks if he can go out with Jim and Steve. You know Jim has been in trouble with school authorities and Steve has gotten at least 2 speeding tickets. As you filter your decision through the question (What decision will I most likely look back and be glad I made?) you may find it easier to say "no" and stick to your decision, regardless of how hard your son pushes.

Parenting is never going to be an exact science. But your unconditional love, acceptance, and firm but loving boundary-setting will more likely set a positive trajectory. Handle parenting decisions with grace and prayer. It will help you Serve Strong!

It Got Blown Out Of Proportion

It's inevitable. Small issues get blown out of proportion. If you've lived any length of time you have seen this happen in your own life.

The next time this happens, what are you going to do? David J. Lieberman, author of Make Peace With Anyone, gives us a couple ideas for when we have to deal with this:

1. Listen - Refrain from judging what the other person is saying. Don't think about what you're going to say next. Don't agree, disagree, or argue. If they are upset, you're best bet is to say "I'm sorry". Any more than that and they may get more defensive. Lieberman says it would be like telling a person they should eat healthy and exercise regularly while they are having a heart attack. The first step is to resolve the problem at hand. Then address the issues which led to the problem in the first place. It's amazing how helpful it is to simply let someone get an issue off their chest. In a lot of cases, when a person feels heard, it's all they want.
2. Paraphrase - This helps the other person know you've been listening. It also crystallizes his complaint and helps you better understand what the issue is. This is also known as the "drive-thru conversation." When you order a chicken sandwich and iced tea, the voice responds by repeating what your order is. If incorrect, you clear it up right then. If they get it right, you pull forward and pay. Paraphrasing is the same idea.
3. Ask For A Favor - This conveys the message that you are making their problem your problem. For example, after listening and paraphrasing, ask the other person to tell you what they think is a fair solution.

Dealing effectively with small issues that grow into big ones is part of Serving Strong!

Rapport: A Secret To Conflict Management

Conflict (as noted in a previous post) is a topic too large for one sitting. Over time, I will attempt to highlight information, thoughts and concepts together for us as we continue in the people-helping profession.

Conflict is a common source of emotional (and sometimes physical) drainage for people. When things just aren't right between us and another person, we become consumed with feelings of frustration, anger, hopelessness, and stress. The amount of energy it takes to maintain these feelings takes away from the energy we could be devoting to helping others. That's why I am highlighting ways to manage conflict.

One way to manage conflict (or avoid it altogether) is through RAPPORT.

Rapport, as Barbara Pachter notes in her book, The Power of Positive Confrontation, is "a relationship of mutual trust and harmony achieved, in part, through common courtesy and practicing good etiquette."

She goes on to make a distinction between minor and major rapport. An example of minor rapport is saying "hello" to the cashier at the grocery store. No long-term relationship desired, but why not be friendly? Major rapport, by contrast, would be having a conversation with, and getting to know, a neighbor or someone you meet at a conference.  An on-going relationship is desired.

This may seem a little elementary when you think about it. How can a little rapport help me avoid conflict?, you may ask. But it's a simple principle: You usually get back what you put it. When you are nice to someone, you indirectly honor them. While they may not consciously acknowledge it, they will feel (at least) a baseline of trust and like for you. Plus, when rapport is absent, it is almost undeniably noticed.

Bottom line: Be nice and take a genuine interest in the other person. It helps avoid conflict ahead of time.

Interpersonal Confrontation

Conflict in relationships is inevitable. It is a source of emotional and psychological drain for most people. Getting a handle on how to manage conflict with other people is crucial to the people helper who wants to serve with long term effectiveness.

The topic of confrontation and conflict in relationships is much too large to fit into one post. For now, I am highlighting a number of excellent resources I've come across.  I urge you to consider making them (and the concepts contained within them) a part of your library and lifestyle. If you have any to add, send me a comment.

Make Peace With Anyone (by David J. Lieberman, Ph.D)

Emotional Intelligence At Work (by Hendrie Weisinger, Ph.D.)

The Power Of Positive Confrontation (by Barbara Pachter, Susan Magee)

Difficult Conversations (by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, Roger Fisher)

The "Hard Worker" Syndrome

What does your family think of you at home? Do they consider you a hard worker? If so, hold on a minute. Don't assume that's a good thing. Gene Bedell, entrepreneur, founder of Tenzing LLC, and parent points out something to ponder in his book, "3 Steps To Yes". If your family thinks you're a hard worker and you are proud of that - there may be more to the story.

You may be thinking you're doing all that work and ministry for them. You may think your work makes it possible for your family to do what they want to do and own what they own. You may also think since you're in the business of helping people, they should understand and be just as excited about your ministry as you are.

But if your spouse needs companionship and your children need help being accepted by their peers, your position as superprovider or superminister is irrelevant to them no matter how much your earnings can provide or how many other people you help. Being a hard worker in people-helping is only part of the equation. Your role as spouse and parent cannot just get your left-overs when you come home at the end of the day.

What kind of worker are you? How do you balance your roles of people-helper, spouse, and parent? Keep a close eye on your influence at work AND home and you'll be Serving Strong!

A Parent's Influence Is Inevitable

On March 27, 2008 I posted a thought titled, Silent Mentors. It came out of my wealth of relationships with great people. Although they may not know it, I look at their lives and see character traits I would like to emulate myself. Therefore, they are my "silent mentors." I'm blessed to have them.

But this can be true also in our role as a parent. Whether we like it or not (whether we realize it or not) our influence on our children is happening. It's not something we turn on and off when we want. Every word, action and attitude is being picked up and stored in our children's memory. In essence, we are our children's "silent mentors".

This became evident to me just the other day. My daughter is a college freshman. I noticed she had posted a few Youtube video clips on my Facebook wall. I was pleased to see they were some of the best clips from the Jerry Lewis movies we watched as a family while the kids were growing up. My daughter said she was doing a speech on Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin for one of her classes. She wanted to start out her speech with a video and came across these and thought of those times when we watched them as a family. I thought, "How cool that she would think to share these with me!"

Our influence on our kids inevitable.

As you are in the field of people-helping, what do you think you are transferring to your children? What attitudes are you instilling in them? What are they seeing you do and say?

Although you are a people helper, if you have kids, you are still a parent too. Keep your parenting strong and you'll be Serving Strong!

When Being A Mother Is Overwhelming

If you are married to a people-helper, or if you are one yourself, and you have kids, there will be those days when the bottom seems to fall out and everything goes wrong.

Such was the case for Naomi Cramer Overton, President of MOPS International. Her kids with the flu, her husband away on business, Naomi learned, through her 10 year old, how to have hope. She learned that God's strength is enough for the day - regardless of the kind of day it is.

Check out the article and be encouraged.

When we live like God is in control - even in the most uncontrollable situations - we Serve Strong!

Most Effective Tool In Raising Kids? You, The Parent

There seems to be no shortage of information that suggests that the parent is the most influential impact on children as they grow up.

An article recently highlights this fact as well. The points that stood out to me as I read it:

• Parents need to use the resources that are available to them today.
• Both parents should actively parent, not just one.
• Girls need their dads to help form a healthy view of men.
• Boys need their moms to help form a healthy view of women.

Read the entire article.

If you are serving and find yourself parenting children as well, take your influence seriously. Make us of the tremendous wealth of resources available today in print, online, electronically, etc. Our parenting is one of the key avenues we can be Serving Strong!

Childproofing Your Home

  Serving other people when you're also parenting a young child can be tricky. Your balance and self-care is defined much differently from those who minister to others and don't have children, or whose children are grown.

Preventing household dangers for small children can help enhance your ability to serve strong. It helps eliminate the extra burden brought on by accidents.

Christianity Today/Momsense has a tremendous article by Carrie Carter, M.D., along these lines.

Within the article is a section called "The Musts of Childproofing."  Here are a few of the points Carrie Carter makes:

• Get down on the floor to your baby's level and look for dangers in each room. This gives you a unique perspective to see the lamp cords, sharp corners, furniture edges, etc.
• Put dangerous items "out of reach." These include things such as dangerous chemicals, cleaners, medications, plants, hot foods or drinks, and handles of pots sitting on the stove.
• Anchor large furniture to the wall. This is helpful if your child was like our daughter - a climber.

Read the rest of the article. It also highlights common serious preventable injuries, where to buy helpful products, and where to go for a childproofing expert.

Effective parenting is closely linked to Serving Strong!

Are you a people-helper AND caregiver at the same time?

Working in the people-helping profession is challenging. And if you're also caring for a loved one at the same time, you must be at the top of your game with your own life balance and self-care.

Benton Hospice Service wrote an article called "Caring for an ill loved one? Don't neglect yourself".

The tips & suggestions are very practical and contain good sense.  Here are a few thoughts on their list:

PRACTICALLY, use equipment to help aid you in the process of caregiving, such as...

• A baby monitor, phone, or intercom system
• Over-bed tables for eating & reading
• Hand-held showers, bathseats & nonskid mats to help with bathing
• Grab bars near the toilet or tub

PERSONALLY, take simple steps to stay energized & connected, such as...

• Get enough rest & exercise
• Eat healthy (limit sugar, sodium & fatty foods)
• Learn breathing exercises or meditation techniques to manage stress
• Learn to accept support & encourage from others

For more information, the article points to these websites:

www.caringinfo.org and www.caregiving.org.  Check them out if you're serving others AND caring for an ill loved one.  May God bless you as you continue Serving Strong!