Serving Strong

P.A.U.S.E.

Peacemaker Ministries offers a great concept called PAUSE that can help each of us as we interact successfully with other people.  Here's what it means:

• Prepare (pray, get the facts, seek godly counsel, develop options)
• Affirm relationships (show genuine concern and respect for others)
• Understand interests (identify others' concerns, desires, needs, limitations, or fears)
• Search for creative solutions (prayerful brainstorming)
• Evaluate options objectively and reasonably (evaluate, don't argue)

Check out the site for more information.

The better we are at managing conflict, the more capacity we have for Serving Strong!

"Or It Could Be..."

Much of conflict between two people stems from misunderstanding.  The next time you wonder why the other person did (or did not do) what they did, you have a couple choices:

A) You can jump to conclusions about their intentions without trying to clarify them; or

B) You can give them the benefit of the doubt before arriving at a negative conclusion

In Option B, you are in essence saying, "They seem to be angry.  It could be..."  In other words, you are trying to understand their actions by holding off judgment and allowing time to give you more input before ascribing guilt or condemnation.

Conflict with other people will diminish your capacity to serve strong.  This is because anything left unresolved stays resident in your mind - using up mind share that you can devote to focused service.

The next time you are faced with a potential conflict, try saying to yourself, "It could be..." and you'll be Serving Strong!

Peacemaking Principles

As noted in previous posts on conflict, our ability to successfully manage conflict increases our capacity for service to others.

Peacemaker Ministries provides some tremendous priniciples to apply to your conflict management skills. They include...

• Getting to the Heart of Conflict
• The Four G's
• The Slippery Slope
• The Seven A's of Confession
• The PAUSE Principle
• The Four Promises of Forgiveness
• The Peacemaker's Pledge
• Relational Commitments

Check out each one. Hone your ability to manage conflict and you'll be Serving Strong!

Fill The Gap With Trust... Reduce Stress

I previously posted a thought on trust in relationships.  Click here to read the entire post.

Andy Stanley, during a recent conference, listed some decisions and commitments we need to make in order to work together as a team. One of those commitments is

"When there is a gap between what I expect and what I experience, I will fill it with trust."

On a practical note, where can we apply this commitment in everyday life so we minimize the stress that conflict can have on us as people helpers?

• When I'm behind a car that has plenty of time to turn left in front of an oncoming truck yet refuses to go... I can have suspicion ("Why won't they go? Don't they know I'm in a hurry?! How incompetent!")... or I can have trust ("I wonder if they've been in an accident with a truck before. I'll take this time to pray for them.")

• When a co-worker doesn't return a sensitive/confidential email all day... I can have suspicion ("They're mad at me. I bet they're going behind my back to talk to others about the email message I sent them in confidence.")... or I can have trust ("They must be busy today. Even though they normally return emails promptly, there must be a dozen reasons why they couldn't this time.")

• When a friend walks right by me in Wal-Mart and doesn't say hello... I can have suspicion ("They are so into themselves. Didn't they even see me? Are they too good to say hello?")... or I can have trust ("They just didn't see me, I'm sure.")  ...NOTE: Why not say hello yourself in that situation anyway???

Here's the deal - the more we fill the gap (between expectation and experience) with suspicion, the more we hurt ourselves because of the increase in unnecessary stress. Fill the gap with trust (or, if necessary, talk it out with the other person) and ensure you are Serving Strong!

Trust: Take It To The Bank

Interpersonal conflict. Much of it comes from a lack of trust between people.

A friend of mine shared with me a concept that was presented by Andy Stanley at a recent conference he attended. The concept involves having expectations and experiences. When what we experience differs from what we expect, there is a gap. When we experience this gap, we have a choice. Depending on our choice, we contribute to either more conflict or healthy interaction. We can choose to fill the gap with trust or suspicion. It's up to us.

To minimize unhealthy, unnecessary conflict we have 2 fundamental decisions to make (and corresponding commitments):

Decision #1:  We must decide to trust.

1) "When there is a gap between what I expect and what I experience, I will fill it with trust."

2) "When I observe someone filling a gap with suspicion, I will come to your defense."

3) "If what I experience begins to erode my trust, I will come directly to you about it."

Decision #2: We must decide to be trustworthy.

1) "I commit to do what I say I will do and when I don't, I'll tell you."

2) "I commit to not over promise and under deliver. But if it looks like that's where things are headed, I'll tell you."

3) "If you confront me about the gaps I have created, I'll tell you the truth."

Conflict can be unhealthy. When it is, it saps our energy - energy that can be devoted to fulfilling our call to serve others. In the interactions with those you serve, or with those who serve alongside you, what are you doing to minimize unhealthy conflict? Commit to trust and be trustworthy and you'll be Serving Strong!

In A Conflict With Someone? Watch Your Body Language

When you find yourself in the midst of one of those pesky conflicts with another person, there is one thing that is entirely within your control. This one thing will help keep the conflict from becoming more than it could. What is it? Your body language.

Body language must be non-threatening. The folks at workadvisor.com say you should not only avoid any physical contact with your aggressor, but must radiate positive body language. You don't want the other person to get the impression, from your body language, you are indifferent. This will only serve to make them more aggravated.

What is positive body language? Here are some thoughts:

• Keep a sincere smile
• Maintain appropriate eye contact (not staring, but not looking around either)
• Don't cross your arms
• Lean forward (giving the impression you are up to the task of solving the conflict)
• Nod your head occasionally
• From time to time, add "hmmm" or "I see"

When in conflict, use positive body language. You'll continue to be Serving Strong!

Rapport: A Secret To Conflict Management

Conflict (as noted in a previous post) is a topic too large for one sitting. Over time, I will attempt to highlight information, thoughts and concepts together for us as we continue in the people-helping profession.

Conflict is a common source of emotional (and sometimes physical) drainage for people. When things just aren't right between us and another person, we become consumed with feelings of frustration, anger, hopelessness, and stress. The amount of energy it takes to maintain these feelings takes away from the energy we could be devoting to helping others. That's why I am highlighting ways to manage conflict.

One way to manage conflict (or avoid it altogether) is through RAPPORT.

Rapport, as Barbara Pachter notes in her book, The Power of Positive Confrontation, is "a relationship of mutual trust and harmony achieved, in part, through common courtesy and practicing good etiquette."

She goes on to make a distinction between minor and major rapport. An example of minor rapport is saying "hello" to the cashier at the grocery store. No long-term relationship desired, but why not be friendly? Major rapport, by contrast, would be having a conversation with, and getting to know, a neighbor or someone you meet at a conference.  An on-going relationship is desired.

This may seem a little elementary when you think about it. How can a little rapport help me avoid conflict?, you may ask. But it's a simple principle: You usually get back what you put it. When you are nice to someone, you indirectly honor them. While they may not consciously acknowledge it, they will feel (at least) a baseline of trust and like for you. Plus, when rapport is absent, it is almost undeniably noticed.

Bottom line: Be nice and take a genuine interest in the other person. It helps avoid conflict ahead of time.

Interpersonal Confrontation

Conflict in relationships is inevitable. It is a source of emotional and psychological drain for most people. Getting a handle on how to manage conflict with other people is crucial to the people helper who wants to serve with long term effectiveness.

The topic of confrontation and conflict in relationships is much too large to fit into one post. For now, I am highlighting a number of excellent resources I've come across.  I urge you to consider making them (and the concepts contained within them) a part of your library and lifestyle. If you have any to add, send me a comment.

Make Peace With Anyone (by David J. Lieberman, Ph.D)

Emotional Intelligence At Work (by Hendrie Weisinger, Ph.D.)

The Power Of Positive Confrontation (by Barbara Pachter, Susan Magee)

Difficult Conversations (by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, Roger Fisher)