I married a PK (Preacher's Kid). So I only have a little glimpse of what it's like to be in a pastor's household (and I love my in-laws!)
But being married to the ministry has got to be one of the most unique situations on earth. Where do you turn for help? How do you process all the situations that you face? Who do you talk to?
Well, I found a blog that just may help answer those questions if you can relate.
Visit THE PREACHER'S WIFE. Check it out.
Typical progression of seasons in the life of a couple:
We generally think of dating in the "Pre-marriage" season. We are courting our soon-to-be spouse. We want to know all about them. We are pleasant. We put our best foot forward. We don't burp, pick our teeth, or make generally-offensive noises.
But unless we're careful, we can skip the "Pre-child" and "Mid-child" seasons and before we know it, we're in the "Empty nest" stage wondering "who is that person across the dinner table?" This can be awkward.
A Dating Lifestyle
The key is to maintain a healthy dose of dating throughout EVERY season of life together. Don't let the tyranny of the kids' schedules, work life, or household chores eat into your dating time. Consider a constant quest of learning about your spouse through each season. Don't let up.
The marriage of a people helper is key. When it is healthy, we can Serve Strong!
Note: The picture comes from www.christiandatingforus.com
The accompanying diagram illustrates a concept that impacts both the spiritual and marital dimensions of the people-helper. In order to understand the concept, let's look at the various parts of the diagram:
First, notice the 3 points: You, Your Spouse, and God. For the purpose of this illustration, these are the basic components of a Christian marriage.
Second, notice the line between You and God, as well as the line between Your Spouse and God. This signifies the journey You (and Your Spouse) travel as you get closer and closer in (or farther away from) intimacy with God.
Lastly, notice the two lines entitled "A" and "B". These represent the closeness between you and your spouse.
The concept is simple - Notice that line "B" is shorter than line "A". As You and Your Spouse grow in intimacy with God on a personal level, the distance between the two of you becomes smaller. In essence...
Growing intimacy with God promotes growing intimacy in your marriage.
We can allow the distractions of life to keep us from growing in God. But the effort we invest on our relationship with Him not only impacts us personally, but our marriage as well. What are you doing to invest in your relationship with God these days?
People-helpers who are married must make their marriage a priority in order to Serve Strong!
It's inevitable. Small issues get blown out of proportion. If you've lived any length of time you have seen this happen in your own life.
The next time this happens, what are you going to do? David J. Lieberman, author of Make Peace With Anyone, gives us a couple ideas for when we have to deal with this:
Dealing effectively with small issues that grow into big ones is part of Serving Strong!
Conflict (as noted in a previous post) is a topic too large for one sitting. Over time, I will attempt to highlight information, thoughts and concepts together for us as we continue in the people-helping profession.
Conflict is a common source of emotional (and sometimes physical) drainage for people. When things just aren't right between us and another person, we become consumed with feelings of frustration, anger, hopelessness, and stress. The amount of energy it takes to maintain these feelings takes away from the energy we could be devoting to helping others. That's why I am highlighting ways to manage conflict.
One way to manage conflict (or avoid it altogether) is through RAPPORT.
Rapport, as Barbara Pachter notes in her book, The Power of Positive Confrontation, is "a relationship of mutual trust and harmony achieved, in part, through common courtesy and practicing good etiquette."
She goes on to make a distinction between minor and major rapport. An example of minor rapport is saying "hello" to the cashier at the grocery store. No long-term relationship desired, but why not be friendly? Major rapport, by contrast, would be having a conversation with, and getting to know, a neighbor or someone you meet at a conference. An on-going relationship is desired.
This may seem a little elementary when you think about it. How can a little rapport help me avoid conflict?, you may ask. But it's a simple principle: You usually get back what you put it. When you are nice to someone, you indirectly honor them. While they may not consciously acknowledge it, they will feel (at least) a baseline of trust and like for you. Plus, when rapport is absent, it is almost undeniably noticed.
Bottom line: Be nice and take a genuine interest in the other person. It helps avoid conflict ahead of time.
Conflict in relationships is inevitable. It is a source of emotional and psychological drain for most people. Getting a handle on how to manage conflict with other people is crucial to the people helper who wants to serve with long term effectiveness.
The topic of confrontation and conflict in relationships is much too large to fit into one post. For now, I am highlighting a number of excellent resources I've come across. I urge you to consider making them (and the concepts contained within them) a part of your library and lifestyle. If you have any to add, send me a comment.
Make Peace With Anyone (by David J. Lieberman, Ph.D)
Emotional Intelligence At Work (by Hendrie Weisinger, Ph.D.)
The Power Of Positive Confrontation (by Barbara Pachter, Susan Magee)
Difficult Conversations (by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, Roger Fisher)
What does your family think of you at home? Do they consider you a hard worker? If so, hold on a minute. Don't assume that's a good thing. Gene Bedell, entrepreneur, founder of Tenzing LLC, and parent points out something to ponder in his book, "3 Steps To Yes". If your family thinks you're a hard worker and you are proud of that - there may be more to the story.
You may be thinking you're doing all that work and ministry for them. You may think your work makes it possible for your family to do what they want to do and own what they own. You may also think since you're in the business of helping people, they should understand and be just as excited about your ministry as you are.
But if your spouse needs companionship and your children need help being accepted by their peers, your position as superprovider or superminister is irrelevant to them no matter how much your earnings can provide or how many other people you help. Being a hard worker in people-helping is only part of the equation. Your role as spouse and parent cannot just get your left-overs when you come home at the end of the day.
What kind of worker are you? How do you balance your roles of people-helper, spouse, and parent? Keep a close eye on your influence at work AND home and you'll be Serving Strong!
You love competition. You are drawn to winning. You eat your meat raw. You bite your nails (the 10-penny kind). You can lift 2,500 pounds in the air and still take a call on your mobile phone. You're a MAN'S MAN.
All this talk about pulling your weight in the marriage and being touchy-feely makes you uncomfortable. You know a little give & take is the oil that makes the marriage engine hum. But, being a man's man, you have no idea how to help out around the house. What do you do?
Try this simple method for building up your spouse - the next time you try to think of something to do for your spouse, ask yourself this question:
"What could I do for my spouse that if my buddies saw me doing it, would ask me if I lost a bet."
The answer could be a multitude of things: sweeping the living room floor, making the bed in the morning, changing a diaper, changing a light bulb, helping the kids with homework, and so on.
Being a man's man doesn't have to keep you from being engaged with your spouse and Serving Strong!
Everyone I know enjoys getting an unexpected note of appreciation or love. It doesn't have to be very long or drawn out. It can be as simple as "I appreciate you." It's also fun for the note writer as well. Whether you're receiving a note or giving one, this kind of activity is what strong, long-lasting marriages are made of.
So, where do you put the notes so your spouse finds them throughout the day?
I ran across a great series of articles by Sheri and Bob Stritof listing unique ideas for where to put love notes for your spouse. The articles provide ideas for where to put notes in...
The kitchen, the living room, the bedroom, home office, vehicle, bathroom, garage or storage area, outdoors, or other locations.
For example, when was the last time you Left a love note for your spouse on the sun visor in the car? Or tucked between the towels in the bathroom? Or in the fishing tackle box?
Start giving your marriage an unexpected boost of romance and love. A strong marriage helps a person Serve Strong!
You want to build a strong marriage?
You want to avoid the pitfalls of an affair?
I read an article today which I thought was excellent. You've GOT to read the entire thing for yourself. Check out some snippets from the article:
"Nearly all marriages would improve dramatically if the wife would overcome her reservations and learn how to satisfy her husband with...conversation."
"Conversation... where each person feels accepted no matter what he or she says, reveals, explains, or feels. Complete openness to another human."
"Just as many men crave intimate sharing with another as do women."
"At Family Dynamics Institute we've discovered that relationship affairs develop as a man and woman begin to listen, understand, and accept the facts and feelings of their lives. They usually start innocently and progress without safety checks or barriers."
"...affairs most often find root in couples who are best friends."
"When husbands and wives allow their spouses to open up their deepest feelings and most sensitive history, deep levels of sharing and understanding will happen."
"There is a crucial difference in disliking what you hear and punishing the person for sharing it."
The article is written by Joe Beam, a Christian marriage expert who founded Family Dynamics Institute. He has also written the book, Becoming One: Emotionally, Spiritually and Sexually.
One of the best ways I've found to enhance my relationship with my wife is to become a student of her. It's not an idea unique to me. I don't remember where I got the idea. But it's served me well over the years.
By becoming a student of our spouse, we intentionally try to learn all we can about them and apply that learning to life. For example, in my learning about my wife I discover she likes to read novels while sipping coffee at a coffee shop. That's the nugget of information. Next, I apply it to life by remembering for her birthday to get her a good book and $5.00 gift card to Panera Bread where she can go and get coffee and read on her day off.
The nuggets of information can be anything. Here are some questions to get your creative juices flowing. Have fun with the process!
When we are learning about our spouse and apply the learning for greater intimacy, we love & honor them. When we honor them, our marriage is stronger. When our marriage is strong, we can Serve Strong!
Working in the people-helping profession is challenging. And if you're also caring for a loved one at the same time, you must be at the top of your game with your own life balance and self-care.
Benton Hospice Service wrote an article called "Caring for an ill loved one? Don't neglect yourself".
The tips & suggestions are very practical and contain good sense. Here are a few thoughts on their list:
PRACTICALLY, use equipment to help aid you in the process of caregiving, such as...
PERSONALLY, take simple steps to stay energized & connected, such as...
For more information, the article points to these websites:
www.caringinfo.org and www.caregiving.org. Check them out if you're serving others AND caring for an ill loved one. May God bless you as you continue Serving Strong!
Okay, this post is just for the guys out there.
For the most part, we of the male species approach relationships a bit different than our counterparts. We tend to only listen if we're the ones asking the question. We want to fix the problem when all that's needed is a listening ear. We grunt and beat our chests. We're impatient. We want to see hockey players slam up against the glass and lose a front tooth. We want to see two guys beat themselves senseless in a ring before hundreds of cheering onlookers.
Okay, maybe that's a bit harsh for a characterization. But isn't it true that we tend to forget marriage is about romance? I do. From time to time, I confess I have to remember my wife is more than the person who cooks me fish, washes my underwear, and cleans the rugs. She's a person.
So I've been trying my best to remember to add a little romance into our relationship now and then. Here are some "random acts of romance" I've picked up along the way (maybe they'll help jump start your own romance):
Marriages are such an integral part of our ministry to others. When our marriage isn't strong, our effectiveness is impacted. Invest in your marriage. Be guilty of performing "random acts of romance" and you'll be Serving Strong!
Ken Blanchard, Paul J. Meyer and Dick Ruhe have published the book, Know Can Do! in which they highlight the obstacles that prevent people from implementing what they learn. These obstacles include:
I have indicated in previous posts that there are two well-documented realities:
There is a gap between the struggle pastors face and the resources that sit in bookshelves and websites across the world. The problem is in what the autuhors highlight in Know Can do!
Coaching is the key to filling this gap. With a personal coach, a pastor overcomes the obstacles mentioned above:
Check out more about what coaching is.
Contact me if you're interested in exploring a coaching benefit for yourself. Learn the art of weaving balance and self-care into the fabric of your ministry.
"Chronic pain is a family problem. When people experience unrelenting pain, everyone they live with and love is likely to suffer. The frustration, anxiety, stress and depression that often go with chronic pain can also afflict family members and friends who feel helpless to provide relief."
This is a quote from a blog entry by Gary B. Rollman, Professor of Psychology, University of Western Ontario, London, ON.
The entire article was very helpful and can help if you, in your ministry calling, live with someone you love who has chronic pain, or if someone in your span of care has chronic pain.
Here are a few tips Professor Rollman points out. Read the entire article for more details.
Dealing effectively with chronic pain can help you keep Serving Strong!
I was coaching one of my clients recently and he shared something with me that I wanted to pass along. He said he and his wife are reading a book together. It's a book that he, as pastor, is working through and his wife wanted to better understand what he was studying and wrestling with. I suppose once that book is finished, he could then read a book together with his wife on something SHE was working through as well.
The point is, many pastors work in their own domain while their spouse works in a totally separate domain. Reading together can help bridge the gap between domains, merging them for a stronger marriage union.
Merge your domains and you'll be Serving Strong!
H.B. London has recently added a great post on his blog (The Heart Of A Pastor) entitled "Loving God's Way". He opens with the question, "Who is your biggest fan?" and then asks you to consider how your spouse would answer that.
So, how DOES your spouse see you? Are you their biggest fan? Are they YOUR biggest fan?
Read the entire post by H. B. London.
Loving your spouse is one of the key parts of a person who is Serving Strong!
Familylife.com is a great resource to address marriage, family, and money issues successfully. An article they provide highlights 10 ways to protect your marriage. Among them are...
The marriage, in today's culture, is to be protected like never before. And for those in the people helping professions, an intentional approach to protecting the marriage is even MORE necessary - due to the stresses associated with people-helping.
Keep your marriage strong. It will help you Serve Strong!
There is a great website with a number of short videos that address many of the common issues couples face during their marriage. The marriage relationship is one of the most key in the life of the married person who helps other people. It is best to keep this relationship current, alive, vibrant, and growing.
Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott share a passion for helping others build healthy relationships. They founded the Center for Relationship Development at the Seattle Pacific University in 1991. It is for the teaching of basics of good relationships.
Here are a few of the many questions they address:
Keep your marriage strong and you'll be serving strong!
They say that the secret of a balanced Mom is an involved Dad. A recent post reads,
"...the best way of boosting your odds of having a workable work-life balance is to make sure you have an equal partner in marriage."
The marriage partnership is just that - a partnership. At times, there are tasks one partner needs to pick up temporarily while the other partner is overloaded. For example, let's say your spouse is studying to complete an exam for a college course. The trash, which is usually their responsibility, is piling up in the house. Maybe it's time for you to lend a hand and take out the trash yourself this time.
It's about give and take. It's about flowing with the seasons and movements of life. It's like traveling down a river with bends and twists. Sometimes life is like rapids and we do just what is needed to stay afloat. Other times, life is like the lazy river and we can relax a bit. That's what life balance is.
So, those reading this who are married - examine your marriage relationship. Is it truly a partnership of give and take, ebb and flow?
Having an equal partnership in marriage can help ensure we are Serving Strong!
Marital strength is vital to serving strong. That's why I'd like to plug a great website for all the married servants.
It's called Real Relationships.
Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott are a husband-and-wife team who share a passion for helping others build healthy relationships. They founded the Center for Relationship Development on the campus of the Seattle Pacific University.
As a married couple themselves, they both work from professional training as marriage & family therapist (Leslie) and clinical psychologist (Les) to ensure a grounded resource for all of us.
Their website includes numerous video channels based on topics such as children, communication divorce, faith, finance, in-laws, recreation, and so on. There's even a section for pre-marital for those who are serving and not yet married.
I urge you to make the strength of your marriage a priority. Invest the time and resources to make it as strong as it can be. One of the ways you can do this is by visiting Real Relationships.
Dennis Rainey has an excellent article at FamilyLife.com stressing the importance of romance in our marriages. In Song of Solomon, the author identifies "little foxes" that can come and ruin the "vineyard" of marriage. They include:
Okay, so it's good to be aware of the "little foxes". That's half the battle. Dennis Rainey goes on to list 3 suggestions for putting the spark back in your marriage. Visit the entire article by clicking HERE.
If you are serving others and you are married, you carry a unique load. It's vital that you keep your marriage strong and up to date. There are a lot of articles floating around about making sure our ministries are relevant to the culture around us. Don't neglect what is necessary to keep your own marriage relevant.
A strong marriage - part of what it means to be serving strong!
What an ugly word "accountability" has become in our culture. "No one is going to tell ME what to do. I'm going to go my own way. Don't even try to check up on me. You have no right to." Live and let live, as they say.
But as a person who serves, you cannot operate without it. Long is the list of ministers who seved without accountability and the negative results. It's dangerous to gamble this way. It's like being a trapeze artist flying without a net.
Somewhere, I came across a list of questions that address this concept. I don't know where they came from but I want to pass them along to you. Perhaps you could ask another objective, supportive person to help you go through them periodically as you continue to serve strong...
YOUR CALLING
PERSONAL SPIRITUAL GROWTH
PERSONAL LIFE
FUTURE PLANNING
FINAL QUESTION
Your calling - how's it going? Are you effective? Are you at your peak? I've been thinking of what can keep us as ministers from being at the top of our game. Here's a partial list. I'm sure it's not exhaustive, but it's a start...
